Judge not that ye be not judged.

Who you are is more important than what you do.

God will force no man to heaven--neither should we as parents, friends, or leaders, try to force people we have responsibility for to obey.  We should help them understand who they are, so they want to behave in a manner conducive to what they are.

Personal History--Meeting Kirby

Men's voices upstairs, I heard them through my dream fog and woke to find I had fallen asleep over my books. Great, I'm a mess, I thought. Hair mussed, wearing gray sweats and sporting old glasses instead of contact lenses, all I could think was, how was I going to avoid being seen. I was in my room and no one knew I was home, but that wouldn't last. I was going to have to get up, and the floor plan of my college apartment was not going to work to my advantage.

I recognized Marty's voice, and the voice of Ann, my roommate, but there was a new male voice that I didn't know. It sounded like Ann was going to make good on her promise to cut Marty's hair. Well, I was just going to have to move as quietly as possible. The vanity and sink were just outside my bedroom door, the bathroom was on the left. Stairs just to the right of the vanity led up half a flight of stairs to our front room and adjoining kitchen, that's where the three of them were talking. Hopeless, I thought, they're going to see me.

I sneaked out of my room and glanced at the mirror above the sink. Brown eyes behind plastic frames, dark shoulder length hair gone limp, and baggie sweats, not my best look. Just then I heard Marty's voice from above. “Hey, is that Sherri? Come meet my brother, Kirby.”

Great, I thought. I ascended the stairs reluctantly. There they were. Marty, tall, with straight, light brown hair, blue eyes and a square chin. He wore a collared shirt with wrangler jeans. He was the kind of guy who looked nice in a cowboy hat, and often wore one. My roommate Ann was short and petite with cropped brown hair, a cute pixie face and a bright smile, and then there was Kirby, tall and broad shouldered. He wore a yellow ski jacket, over a navy turtle necked shirt. His jeans were baggie, his hair, black, grown slightly over his collar, his eyes a piercing blue.  I'm not sure how long it took for me to realize that I was looking at my perfect man, but it wasn't long. After the introductions, and feeling I couldn't make a neat escape, I slumped into an over stuffed chair with my feet curled up, and as invisibly as possible, began to make my assessment of the situation.

Marty and Ann had taken their position inside of the kitchen. He on a chair with her behind , trimming his hair. They were talking. Kirby was on the couch He could both see and be seen by Marty and Ann. I chose a chair that was out of sight from the kitchen. Since Kirby was watching the haircut, and I was successfully being ignored. I was watching Kirby.

I had dated Marty a few times over the past month. He was nice looking, outgoing, ambitious, and smart. We had had some fun, but things had kind of stalled between us, and the last time we had gone out, I'd told him about Rick, my returned missionary friend from Maryland, who I'd been writing to for three years, and who was due back at school in January. I had meant to discourage Marty, and it had worked. I hadn't heard from him for a week or two.

It was December 1982. I was a Senior at BYU finishing my bachelor's degree in Elementary Education with a minor in English. This was my first semester back in school since my own 18 month mission to Hokkaido, Japan, which had ended in July. Next on my to do list were two things: graduate, and get married--not necessarily in that order. I had found myself recently praying nightly for Got to help me to find the perfect man before I left this prime male hunting ground and ended up an old maid school marm in some po-dunk little Utah town. Still, as much as I had been longing to meet my Mr. Right, I had hardly expected him to come waltzing into my apartment and take a seat on my couch, but there he was. Now what was I going to do about it? Well, I wasn't going to make a very good impression in the state I was in. Best stay as innocuous as possible and regroup.

For the next few days I went about my life as usual. I went to class, studied, did my homework; but on my way to and from classes, I kept my eyes open for Kirby. I saw him around a few times. He seemed to be spending his time hustling girls and skiing. He didn't seem to remember me, so I figured I'd start fresh on Sunday.

Of course, living at BYU, the primary social unit was the local church group--the student ward. That is where I figured I would see Kirby next. I dressed carefully that day for church. I chose a dark purple dress and high heels. I took extra time with my hair and make up. This time, I wanted to be noticed. Our ward meetings were held at the school. I walked down the hall, head held high, with a big smile on my face. Marty and Kirby were just ahead in the hallway, so I approached Marty and said, “Hi.” Kirby came over then too, and wanted to be introduced. We started a conversation, and this time I had lots of attention. When it was time to move to Sunday School class I fell in step with Kirby; Marty was a few steps behind. “Hey,” he said, “she came over to talk to me.” Kirby and I didn't slow down, we just kept walking and talking together. I wasn't interested in spending any more time with Marty.

During Sunday School, Kirby and I sat near each other in classroom desks and chairs, and when we broke up for Sacrament Meeting, Kirby asked me If I'd like to sit by him for that meeting as well. I agreed. Afterward, as we were walking out of the meeting, surrounded by other people, one of Kirby's friends started talking to him about their plans to go skiing on Tuesday of that week. "You know, I just love skiing," I said. Kirby didn't miss a beat, well, if I was free, would I like to go along? . .”Of course, I would love to,” I said. We walked home together and Kirby went back to Marty's apartment where he was staying. Before he left me at my apartment, we made plans to get together later that evening.

During the intervening hours, I found out later, Kirby took a drive up Y mountain and spent some time sitting on a rock, looking over the valley below. His mind was whirling, trying to figure out what to do about this girl he had just met, who had taken a fast hold of his heart, this girl named, Sherri.

The snow was falling, big, white, clumpy flakes. Suspended in a cloud above snow laden pine trees we rode together, nestled in our own world of wonder. It had been a day of fun and sport. We had spent it playing the rhythm of a fall line on a crisp December, Alta, Utah, afternoon. As the ski lift silently climbed, we nestled in a white frosty world. Kirby drew me close, his arm around my shoulders.

“Are you cold? He asked.

“A little.” I replied.

He reached out to shield my face from the falling snow with his hands, and as he did so, drew his face closer to mine. The kiss was sweet, soft, and wistful. Everything blurred and contracted around me. Afterward, we snuggled. I nestled in his arm, perfectly fitted, awestruck and silent.

The lift came to the top of the run and we skied down again, but our hearts were shaken. The lodge seemed to beckon. Over food and cocoa, we curiously explored the magic of more shared kisses, at once so simple, and so sweet, as to make us oblivious to all else but the dawning of love.

Sherri and Kirby 1983

Testimony of Families

I bore my testimony about families on Sunday.  It went something like this:

I have been thinking about families for the last couple of weeks.  We talked about this topic in some of our meetings this morning, and it has been on my mind.

I wanted to bear my testimony about families.  I was blessed to be raised in a great family, and to learn early in my life, the importance of family life, and that families are meant to be eternal.  I finished college, and a mission; I met my RM, got married, and was ready for my happily ever after ending--but that isn't what happened for me.  For me, that's when I started the biggest fight with Satan that I have ever had.  At one point, my marriage and my family were hanging by a thread.  I had to fight very hard to keep my family together. 

I don't think that other families' experiences are so different than my own.  Satan doesn't want our families to succeed.  He is fighting hard to destroy them, because he knows how important and powerful they are.

I was reading from 1 Nephi today, and I read the story of how Nephi and his brothers were sent back to get the brass plates.  Nephi knew these plates were essential, but though he and his brothers tried several times, and used every method available to them, they were not successful in obtaining them.  Nephi's brothers were discouraged and angry.  They wanted to quit, and they beat Nephi with a stick.   Even after being chastised by an angel, his brothers were still grumbling; but Nephi had faith, and refused to give up.  He knew that the Lord would help them accomplish that which He had commanded them to do.  Finally, because of Nephi's faith and persistence, and because the Lord intervened and helped Nephi, he was ultimately able to obtain the plates.

The Lord, in a similar way, has reached down to help me in my life, to keep my family together.  Despite our trials, my family is still sealed together forever.  I testify that the Lord loves us, and that He will come to our aid.  When we persist in faith, the Lord will show us the way.  He will help us save our families.  I know this is true, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Building a bridge

THE BRIDGE BUILDER
An old man, going a lone highway,
Came at the evening cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast and deep and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim-
That sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when he reached the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim near,
"You are wasting strength in building here.
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way.
You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you the bridge at the eventide?"

The builder lifted his old gray head.
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way.
This chasm that has been naught to me
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him." 

-WILL ALLEN DROMGOOLE


In January Brandon, Kyle's friend, moved out of our house and back into his mother's house.  He started going to school and he found a girlfriend.  These were positive things.  He had had a year here, which allowed for he and his family to pull themselves together a bit after the suicide, and it was time for that to happen.  A few days ago, Kyle told me that Brandon was going to move to Cedar City.  His grandfather owns condos there, which he rents out to students, and Brandon could use one rent free as long as he was going to school there.  He is planning on moving there with his girlfriend.  This is the second of Kyle's best friends to choose to live with girls without marrying them.  It is common among my nieces and nephews as well.  

The issue that has been in my mind lately is how have we devalued marriage to such an extent that our children are choosing not to engage in it at all, and that they see so little value in obtaining a formal marriage relationship, that even when they have children together they  often continue in an uncommitted union.  What have we done to this generation to create this great lack of understanding?

I looked at the photo album of Rick's father's life the other day, and I thought about his father and mother, and how they sacrificed everything--their lives, their talent, their intelligence, their live's work to create, build up, and support their family.  What did they leave behind them?  Tall, educated, capable people, who are their legacy, and their lives' work, and their heritage.  What a great example their lives have been.

I think people of the past understood the sacrifices required of families better than we do today.  The founding fathers of this country sacrificed all for the founding of this nation, not so much that they would enjoy it's benefits, but that we, their children would.  The same is true of the LDS pioneers sacrificed to obtain a land of promise to maintain and pass on their faith, and our parents' and grandparents' generation who felt it their duty to preserve peace and freedom for future generations and fought wars in an effort to preserve peace and freedom.  They always seemed to understand the importance of dedicating their lives to the generations to follow, and the value of prioritizing their children, and family.  What has happened to us, that in a few decade's time we have lost that kind of vision?

When a man leaves this life, we do not post pictures of his property and say, look, what a great man.  We look to his children to see what kind of man he was.  How did he provide for them?  Did he see that they were educated, loved, taught?  Are they an honor to him?  That is what we see of a man--or woman.  Why don't we teach this to our children?  Why don't we teach them that marriage, for all of it's struggle; and children, for all of the burden they bring us, are the only real and lasting legacy of our lives?

I am honored to be married to a man who understands sacrifice and who gives so much for his family and who has served honorably his country and his fellow man.  I feel blessed to have honorable and kind hearted children.  Marriage and family is not just a convention, or a tradition.  It is not just something to do because society expects it. it is the core, the heart, the essence of why we are here and who we are.   

Just Thinking,

Sherri

Emotional Needs of the Gifted

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_MisdiagnosisAndDualDiagnosisOfGiftedChildren.shtml

Author: James T. Webb, Edward R. Amend, Nadia E. Webb, Jean Goerss, Paul Beljan, F. Richard Olenchak Download a printer-friendly version (PDF) Many gifted and talented children (and adults) are being mis-diagnosed by psychologists, psychiatrists, pediatricians, and other health care professionals. The most common mis-diagnoses are: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (OD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Mood Disorders such as Cyclothymic Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder, Depression, and Bi-Polar Disorder. These common mis-diagnoses stem from an ignorance among professionals about specific social and emotional characteristics of gifted children which are then mistakenly assumed by these professionals to be signs of pathology. In some situations where gifted children have received a correct diagnosis, giftedness is still a factor that must be considered in treatment, and should really generate a dual diagnosis. For example, existential depression or learning disability, when present in gifted children or adults, requires a different approach because new dimensions are added by the giftedness component. Yet the giftedness component typically is overlooked due to the lack of training and understanding by health care professionals (Webb & Kleine, 1993). Despite prevalent myths to the contrary, gifted children and adults are at particular psychological risk due to both internal characteristics and situational factors. These internal and situational factors can lead to interpersonal and psychological difficulties for gifted children, and subsequently to mis-diagnoses and inadequate treatment. Internal Factors First, let me mention the internal aspects (Webb, 1993). Historically, nearly all of the research on gifted individuals has focused on the intellectual aspects, particularly in an academic sense. Until recently, little attention has been given to personality factors which accompany high intellect and creativity. Even less attention has been given to the observation that these personality factors intensify and have greater life effects when intelligence level increases beyond IQ 130 (Silverman, 1993; Webb, 1993; Winner, 2000). Perhaps the most universal, yet most often overlooked, characteristic of gifted children and adults is their intensity (Silverman, 1993; Webb, 1993). One mother described it succinctly when she said, "My child's life motto is that anything worth doing is worth doing to excess." Gifted children -- and gifted adults-- often are extremely intense, whether in their emotional response, intellectual pursuits, sibling rivalry, or power struggles with an authority figure. Impatience is also frequently present, both with oneself and with others. The intensity also often manifests itself in heightened motor activity and physical restlessness. Along with intensity, one typically finds in gifted individuals an extreme sensitivity--to emotions, sounds, touch, taste, etc. These children may burst into tears while watching a sad event on the evening news, keenly hear fluorescent lights, react strongly to smells, insist on having the tags removed from their shirts, must touch everything, or are overly reactive to touch in a tactile-defensive manner. The gifted individual's drive to understand, to question, and to search for consistency is likewise inherent and intense, as is the ability to see possibilities and alternatives. All of these characteristics together result in an intense idealism and concern with social and moral issues, which can create anxiety, depression, and a sharp challenging of others who do not share their concerns. Situational Factors Situational factors are highly relevant to the problem of mis-diagnosis (Webb, 1993). Intensity, sensitivity, idealism, impatience, questioning the status quo--none of these alone necessarily constitutes a problem. In fact, we generally value these characteristics and behaviors--unless they happen to occur in a tightly structured classroom, or in a highly organized business setting, or if they happen to challenge some cherished tradition, and gifted children are the very ones who challenge traditions or the status quo. There is a substantial amount of research to indicate that gifted children spend at least one-fourth to one-half of the regular classroom time waiting for others to catch up. Boredom is rampant because of the age tracking in our public schools. Peer relations for gifted children are often difficult (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982; Winner, 2000), all the more so because of the internal dyssynchrony (asynchronous development) shown by so many gifted children where their development is uneven across various academic, social, and developmental areas, and where their judgment often lags behind their intellect. Clearly, there are possible (or even likely) problems that are associated with the characteristic strengths of gifted children. Some of these typical strengths and related problems are shown in Table 1. Table 1: Possible Problems That May be Associated with Characteristic Strengths of Gifted Children Strengths Possible Problems Acquires and retains information quickly. Impatient with slowness of others; dislikes routine and drill; may resist mastering foundational skills; may make concepts unduly complex. Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation; searching for significance. Asks embarrassing questions; strong-willed; resists direction; seems excessive in interests; expects same of others. Ability to conceptualize, abstract, synthesize; enjoys problem-solving and intellectual activity. Rejects or omits details; resists practice or drill; questions teaching procedures. Can see cause--effect relations. Difficulty accepting the illogical-such as feelings, traditions, or matters to be taken on faith.  Love of truth, equity, and fair play. Difficulty in being practical; worry about humanitarian concerns. Enjoys organizing things and people into structure and order; seeks to systematize. Constructs complicated rules or systems; may be seen as bossy, rude, or domineering. Large vocabulary and facile verbal proficiency; broad information in advanced areas. May use words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored with school and age-peers; seen by others as a "know it all." Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others. Critical or intolerant toward others; may become discouraged or depressed; perfectionistic. Keen observer; willing to consider the unusual; open to new experiences. Overly intense focus; occasional gullibility. Creative and inventive; likes new ways of doing things. May disrupt plans or reject what is already known; seen by others as different and out of step. Intense concentration; long attention span in areas of interest; goal-directed behavior; persistence. Resists interruption; neglects duties or people during period of focused interests; stubbornness. Sensitivity, empathy for others; desire to be accepted by others. Sensitivity to criticism or peer rejection; expects others to have similar values; need for success and recognition; may feel different and alienated. High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts. Frustration with inactivity; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive. Independent; prefers individualized work; reliant on self. May reject parent or peer input; non-conformity; may be unconventional. Diverse interests and abilities; versatility. May appear scattered and disorganized; frustrations over lack of time; others may expect continual competence. Strong sense of humor. Sees absurdities of situations; humor may not be understood by peers; may become "class clown" to gain attention. Adapted from Clark (1992) and Seagoe (1974) Lack of understanding by parents, educators, and health professionals, combined with the problem situations (e.g., lack of appropriately differentiated education) leads to interpersonal problems which are then mis-labeled, and thus prompt the mis-diagnoses. The most common mis-diagnoses are as follows. Common Mis-Diagnoses ADHD and Gifted. Many gifted children are being mis-diagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The gifted child's characteristics of intensity, sensitivity, impatience, and high motor activity can easily be mistaken for ADHD. Some gifted children surely do suffer from ADHD, and thus have a dual diagnosis of gifted and ADHD; but in my opinion, most are not. Few health care professionals give sufficient attention to the words about ADHD in DSM-IV(1994) that say "...inconsistent with developmental level...." The gifted child's developmental level is different (asynchronous) when compared to other children, and health care professionals need to ask whether the child's inattentiveness or impulsivity behaviors occur only in some situations but not in others (e.g., at school but not at home; at church, but not at scouts, etc.). If the problem behaviors are situational only, the child is likely not suffering from ADHD. To further complicate matters, my own clinical observation suggests that about three percent of highly gifted children suffer from a functional borderline hypoglycemic condition. Silverman (1993) has suggested that perhaps the same percentage also suffer from allergies of various kinds. Physical reactions in these conditions, when combined with the intensity and sensitivity, result in behaviors that can mimic ADHD. However, the ADHD-like symptoms in such cases will vary with the time of day, length of time since last meal, type of foods eaten, or exposure to other environmental agents. Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Gifted. The intensity, sensitivity, and idealism of gifted children often lead others to view them as "strong-willed." Power struggles with parents and teachers are common, particularly when these children receive criticism, as they often do, for some of the very characteristics that make them gifted (e.g., "Why are you so sensitive, always questioning me, trying to do things a different way," etc.). Bi-Polar and other Mood Disorders and Gifted. Recently, I encountered a parent whose highly gifted child had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. This intense child, whose parents were going through a bitter divorce, did indeed show extreme mood swings, but, in my view, the diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder was off the mark. In adolescence, or sometimes earlier, gifted children often do go through periods of depression related to their disappointed idealism, and their feelings of aloneness and alienation culminate in an existential depression. However, it is not at all clear that this kind of depression warrants such a major diagnosis. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Gifted. Even as preschoolers, gifted children love to organize people and things into complex frameworks, and get quite upset when others don't follow their rules or don't understand their schema. Many gifted first graders are seen as perfectionistic and "bossy" because they try to organize the other children, and sometimes even try to organize their family or the teacher. As they grow up, they continue to search intensely for the "rules of life" and for consistency. Their intellectualizing, sense of urgency, perfectionism, idealism, and intolerance for mistakes may be misunderstood to be signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. In some sense, however, giftedness is a dual diagnosis with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder since intellectualization may be assumed to underlie many of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for this disorder. Dual Diagnoses Learning Disabilities and Giftedness. Giftedness is a coexisting factor, to be sure, in some diagnoses. One notable example is in diagnosis and treatment of learning disabilities. Few psychologists are aware that inter-subscale scatter on the Wechsler intelligence tests increases as a child's overall IQ score exceeds 130. In children with a Full Scale IQ score of 140 or greater, it is not uncommon to find a difference of 20 or more points between Verbal IQ and Performance IQ (Silverman, 1993; Webb & Kleine, 1993; Winner, 2000). Most clinical psychologists are taught that such a discrepancy is serious cause for concern regarding possible serious brain dysfunction, including learning disabilities. For highly gifted children, such discrepancy is far less likely to be an indication of pathological brain dysfunction, though it certainly would suggest an unusual learning style and perhaps a relative learning disability. Similarly, the difference between the highest and lowest scores on individual subscales within intelligence and achievement tests is often quite notable in gifted children. On the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children - III, it is not uncommon to find subscale differences greater than seven scale score points for gifted children, particularly those who are highly gifted. These score discrepancies are taken by most psychologists to indicate learning disabilities, and in a functional sense they do represent that. That is, the levels of ability do vary dramatically, though the range may be "only" from Very Superior to Average level of functioning. In this sense, gifted children may not "qualify" for a diagnosis of learning disability, and indeed some schools seem to have a policy of "only one label allowed per student," and since this student is gifted, he/she can not also be considered learning disabled. However, it is important for psychologists to understand the concept of "asynchronous development" (Silverman, 1993), and to appreciate that most gifted children show such an appreciable, and often significant, scatter of abilities. Poor handwriting is often used as one indicator of learning disabilities. However, many and perhaps most gifted children will show poor handwriting. Usually this simply represents that their thoughts go so much faster than their hands can move, and that they see little sense in making writing an art form when its primary purpose is to communicate (Webb & Kleine, 1993; Winner, 2000). Psychologists must understand that, without intervention, self-esteem issues are almost a guarantee in gifted children with learning disabilities as well as those who simply have notable asynchronous development since they tend to evaluate themselves based more on what they cannot do rather than on what they are able to do. Sharing formal ability and achievement test results with gifted children about their particular abilities, combined with reassurance, can often help them develop a more appropriate sense of self-evaluation. Sleep Disorders and Giftedness. Nightmare Disorder, Sleep Terror Disorder, and Sleepwalking Disorder appear to be more prevalent among gifted children, particularly boys. It is unclear whether this should be considered a mis-diagnosis or a dual diagnosis. Certainly, parents commonly report that their gifted children have dreams that are more vivid, intense, and more often in color, and that a substantial proportion of gifted boys are more prone to sleepwalking and bed wetting, apparently related to their dreams and to being more soundly (i.e., intensely) asleep. Such concordance would suggest that giftedness may need to be considered as a dual diagnosis in these cases, or at least a factor worthy of consideration since the child's intellect and sense of understanding often can be used to help the child cope with nightmares. A little known observation concerning sleep in gifted individuals is that about twenty percent of gifted children seem to need significantly less sleep than other children, while another twenty percent appear to need significantly more sleep than other children. Parents report that these sleep patterns show themselves very early in the child's life, and long-term follow up suggests that the pattern continues into adulthood (Webb & Kleine, 1993; Winner, 2000). Some highly gifted adults appear to average comfortably as few as two or three hours sleep each night, and they have indicated to me that even in childhood they needed only four or five hours sleep. Multiple Personality Disorders and Giftedness. Though there is little formal study of giftedness factors within MPD, there is anecdotal evidence that the two are related. The conclusion of professionals at the Menninger Foundation was that most MPD patients showed a history of childhood abuse, but also high intellectual abilities which allowed them to create and maintain their elaborate separate personalities (W. H. Smith personal communication, April 18, 1996). Relational Problems and Giftedness. As one mother told me, "Having a gifted child in the family did not change our family's lifestyle; it simply destroyed it!" These children can be both exhilarating and exhausting. But because parents often lack information about characteristics of gifted children, the relationship between parent and child can suffer. The child's behaviors are seen as mischievous, impertinent, weird, or strong-willed, and the child often is criticized or punished for behaviors that really represent curiosity, intensity, sensitivity, or the lag of judgment behind intellect. Thus, intense power struggles, arguments, temper tantrums, sibling rivalry, withdrawal, underachievement, and open flaunting of family and societal traditions may occur within the family. "Impaired communication" and "inadequate discipline" are specifically listed in the DSM-IV (1994) as areas of concern to be considered in a diagnosis of Parent-Child Relational Problems, and a diagnosis of Sibling Relational Problem is associated with significant impairment of functioning within the family or in one or more siblings. Not surprisingly, these are frequent concerns for parents of gifted children due to the intensity, impatience, asynchronous development, and lag of judgment behind intellect of gifted children. Health care professionals could benefit from increased knowledge concerning the effects of a gifted child's behaviors within a family, and thus often avoid mistaken notions about the causes of the problems. The characteristics inherent within gifted children have implications for diagnosis and treatment which could include therapy for the whole family, not in the sense of "treatment," but to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with the intensity, sensitivity, and the situations which otherwise may cause them problems later (Jacobsen, 1999). Conclusion Many of our brightest and most creative minds are not only going unrecognized, but they also are often given diagnoses that indicate pathology. For decades, psychologists and other health care professionals have given great emphasis to the functioning of persons in the lower range of the intellectual spectrum. It is time that we trained health care professionals to give similar attention to our most gifted, talented, and creative children and adults. At the very least, it is imperative that these professionals gain sufficient understanding so that they no longer conclude that certain inherent characteristics of giftedness represent pathology. References Clark, B. (1992). Growing up gifted: Developing the potential of children at home and at school, (4th ed.). New York: Macmillan. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, Fourth Edition. (1994). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association. Jacobsen, M.E. (1999). Liberating everyday genius: A revolutionary guide for identifying and mastering your exceptional gifts. New York: Ballantine. Seagoe, M. (1974). Some learning characteristics of gifted children. In R. Martinson, (Ed.), The identification of the gifted and talented. Ventura, CA: Office of the Ventura County Superintendent of Schools. Silverman, L. K. (1993). Counseling the gifted and talented. Denver: Love Publishing. Webb, J. T., & Latimer, D. (1993). ADHD and children who are gifted. Reston, VA: Council for Exceptional Children. ERIC Digests #E522, EDO-EC-93-5. Webb, J. T. (1993). Nurturing Social-Emotional Development of Gifted Children. In K. A. Heller, F. J. Monks, & A. H. Passow (Eds.), International handbook of research and development of giftedness and talent (pp. 525-538). Oxford: Pergamon Press. Webb, J. T. & Kleine, P. A. (1993). Assessing gifted and talented children. In J. L. Culbertson, & D. J. Willis (Eds.), Testing young children (pp. 383-407). Austin, TX: Pro-ed. Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A., & Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the gifted child: A practical source for parents and teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press (formerly Ohio Psychology Press). Winner, E. (2000). The origins and ends of giftedness. American Psychologist (55, No. 1), 159-169.

Copyright © 2010 SENG / Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted
A 501(c)(3) non-profit organization
P.O. Box 488, Poughquag, NY 12570
office@sengifted.org
(845)797-5054

Useful information on dealing with bi-polar disorder

Digging out some boxes today I found the online book that I read, that started teaching me what to do about bi-polar disorder. by Marlee Fisher certified Nami Trainer Co-victim of depression 

Here  are some of her useful suggestions for people who live with bi-polar loved ones: (obviously edited down to summary form) 

*5 things you can start doing today

1.  Accept--this is a serious biological and physiological illness that will not clear-up on its own.

2.  Detach--sometimes you'll be talking to your loved one, and sometimes you'll be talking to your loved one's illness.  Therefore you yourself must mentally separate you loved one from the illness.

3.  Stay in Control--No matter what (and this may be most difficult to believe) your loved one does not want to lose your love and support.  Knowing this affords you a certain amount of control over the situation and if that control is used wisely and fairly, it can greatly benefit you and your loved one.  Remember that you ILO's emotional crossing guard has checked out for an extended leave of absence, so yours must do the work of two.  And controlling your own emotions has now become critical. Do not take your loved one's personal affronts personally.

4.  Put your own healthy needs first--There is such a thing as "healthy selfishness"  and I suggest you start practicing it immediately.  Let go of your pain and find the value of positive action, hope and knowledge.

5.  Learn all you can.

Identify the emotional trip wires *(this really helped me TONS)

1--False Self Perceptions-- if your ill loved one has picked a non-fight is it because your ILO wants you to agree that he is right and you are wrong?

2--Fear of Abandonment--If your ILO is finding fault and verbally attacking you, think back, did you inadvertently snag ETW #2 

3--Control--Is your ILO attempting to manipulate you into saying or doing something you'd rather not?  Then your loved one may be fearful of losing control over himself or you.

4--Distorted Reality--slippery logic, railing about how an event or conversation happened differently than it did.

Identify who you're talking to--  Is his level of emotion justified?  If it isn't then odds are you're really talking to your ILO's illness and not to your ILO.  Once you recognize you're talking to the illness, emotionally detach from the conversation and become an observer.  During overt episodes it's rarely a good time to attempt to problem solve or emotionally engage them .

Establish your boundaries--ILO's rarely realize the emotional impact they're having on the HRs so it's important to consistently let them know when it's time to stop.

Stay in control--stay as calm, level-voiced, reasonable, direct, loving and consistent as possible

stick to your guns but don't shoot.  "I love you and we can discuss this at another time."

Provide Emotional and physical exits--It's always best to allow your loved one a clear and direct physical exit from the immediate area at all times--Don't block them in! (no ultimatums).

In a confrontation with your ILO, your goal should be to modify his behavior, not win the fight.

1 Be direct

Make I statements

focus on the emotions that the person behind the illness is feeling

confine your comments to his behavor and the emotions behind them

Then:

2. Acknowledge the emotion your ILO is feeling

Identify with the emotion, empathize, be on his side, not against it.

3. Move the discussion into problem solving, rather than confrontation--you are validating concerns/ not ignoring them while simultaneously reinforcing your personal boundaries.

4.Nonetheless--refocus the conversation.  Remember your goal is not to punish the behavior but to change it.

THE ONE THING YOU CAN SAY THAT WILL IMMEDIATELY ENABLE YOUR ILO TO FEEL BETTER AND BE OPEN AND WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOUR EVERY WORD--I LOVE YOU

Biological depression is a wound in the psyches and in the hearts of its victims and co-victims.  But to paraphrase Robert Bly's incredible book, Iron John, the only way to heal a wound is to exit through it.  Therefore you must confront depression, get inside it and see what it's made of before you can hope to set foot on the path of recovery.  Biological depressions is the ultimate road test of unconditional love. . .

I hope you take with you a sense of peace, a plan for positive, healthy action and a heart full of hope, for you see my friend, there is always hope."

There is quite a bit in this book that doesn't specifically apply to my situation, but much of it does, and the general  coping mechanisms have been a God send for me.  It was good to revisit them here. 

Light=Life

John 6:8

Then spake Jesus again unto them saying, I am the light of the world, he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

We were discussing this in Sunday school yesterday.  What does it mean that Jesus was the light of the world? This was the question.  We talked about being an example--a lighthouse on a hill, that sort of thing.  I'm agreed that that is part of the meaning here, but this section goes way beyond that meaning, in my mind.

He said somewhere else:

"I am the light and life of the world."

Light=Life

Light is the source from which life springs.

Light is the energy source for life on this planet--the sun gives light to all the earth, which literally creates warmth, provides growth, and makes possible our existence on this planet.  Light = Life.  It is literally the source of energy that allows life to exist and in extension learning and growth.

I think Christ was comparing himself to light in this way, that he was the source of life, not in this instance, the exemplar, but that through him we may receive light and have life.

Other scriptures in the section include these:

"I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins, for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins.

If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.  And the servant abideth not in the house for ever; but the Son abideth ever.  If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death.

Then said the Jews unto him, Now we know that thou hast a devil.  Abraham is dead, and the prophets, and thou sayest, If a man keep my saying, he shall never taste of death.  Art thou greater than our father Abraham, which is dead?  and the prophets are dead: whom makest thou thyself?

Jesus answered, If I honour myself, my honour is nothing; it is my Father that honoureth me; of whom ye say that he is your God:  Yet ye have not known him; but I know him; and if I should say, I know him not, I shall be a liar like unto you; but I know him, and keep his saying.  Your father Abraham rejoiced to see my day; and he saw it, and was glad.

Then said the Jews unto him, Thou art not yet fifty years old, and hast thou seen Abraham?

Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, before Abraham was, I am.

He was teaching the Jews in this instance that He was Moses' God.  That he  would overcome death, and that through Him they could also overcome death, and sin, but they wouldn't understand his teachings because they would only look at the literal meaning of his words, and they rejected that He was the Son of God because they were liars, and deceivers.

Therefore, when Christ said he was the light of the world, in this case, I think he intended it to mean much more than He was to be our example.  I think he meant that Light=Life.  He is the Light and Life of the world.  The one through whom all men can live again and find remission of sin, the chosen one of God, to whom God gave authority and power to perform His work and who honored God through His entire life and through His complete obedience and sacrifice.  He only ever did what the Father would have him do, thus He gave his will over completely to the Father.  He was always the servant, but through that complete sacrifice of self He gained power over all.  Great paradox