It's been tough the last few weeks.
I've been feeling the gap.
We were talking about self control today in YWs and Shauna commented that there is an old Indian legend about two wolves. A boy was describing the inner conflict between good and evil influences inside himself as having two wolves fighting for control of his actions. He asked the wise chief how to insure that the good wolf would win out, and the chief said the wolf that will win is the one that you feed.
Perhaps I have been feeding the wrong wolf lately.
What am I talking about?
I miss Kirby.
I miss the time we could be spending together.
I miss the influences that he would have on our family if he were here to make them.
I miss the influences that he would have on me, and the strength I would gain from being with him.
I miss his physical presence, his touch, his physical strength and ability.
I see other couples being together, and I wonder why my life is different than theirs. Why I have this challenge that others do not have.
It is silly to feed this wolf. This wolf will devour me if I let it, so I know to shut it down, and silence it most of the time. But there are days when I feel it's hunger, and it's yellow eyes watching me. Sometimes I pity it and let it come close. We cry together, and howl at the August moon, and we wait for winter and crisp January days. It is not so far away.
I learned years ago that distance is not measured in miles. It is measured in time.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Joy cometh in the morning
Have you ever read Hosea?
We have a stake president, President Hollest, who is about 35 years old. He is a seminary teacher, which probably explains partly his powerful way of teaching with the spirit and deep knowledge of the scriptures. He teaches from his heart, and from his life oft times. We had the opportunity to be taught by he and his wife at Laurel's conference. Both of them gave powerful lessons, but it was during President Hollest's lesson that something of a spiritual nature happened for me. I'm not sure I can explain it fully, but this is basically what happened.
He opened by saying that he was going to speak on something that was different than what he was assigned to speak on. He then said that the Holy Ghost would be there to teach us things that he didn't say, that those impressions from the spirit would be direct revelation to us from the spirit, so he told us to listen for the lessons that the spirit would teach us. He talked about how Heavenly Father loves us, His children, and that He reveals Himself to us often, and if we are watching for them, that we can see His tender mercies in our lives. He likened this attribute of our Heavenly Father to an experience he had playing hide and seek with his young children. President Hollest said that when he first started playing hide and seek with his kids that he would hide well, so he could win-- but because he was so much better at hiding than they were, that they couldn't find him at all and they would give up. So he learned to hide less well. He would hide, but then he would leave some fingers or toes sticking out, so his children could find him. He said that God was like that, that he wasn't hiding Himself from us very well. That He would always leave some of His fingers or toes showing for us to find Him in our lives. He wants you to find Him, President Hollest said.
Then he went on to open with verses from Hosea about a noble man whose father had given him an impure wife to marry. He explained how she would adorn herself to go out and pursue other men and how she would seek their pleasant gifts to her. President Hollest asked us to imagine being in the position of this pure man, who kept receiving back to himself this unfaithful woman, who at last decides to go back to her faithful husband. When she returned to him, he would forgive her and take her back to him.
He was describing this in such a way as to make it seem real to us, and I'm sure to many there that it was a story that they could imagine, but to me--it was real. I knew what it would feel like to be that husband, to have a spouse that repeatedly made seriously harmful choices, but to whom I would offer forgiveness multiple times. I felt the pain of the story, because it was a familiar weight, and I couldn't figure out why President Hollest was speaking to us on this subject, and why the spirit was bringing back into my memory so clearly the feeling of these experiences.
Then President Hollest explained that the story was a parable, and that the husband was a symbol of Christ, and that the wife was the children of Israel who kept going after false Gods instead of staying faithful to the Lord, who had blessed them and delivered them. Of course he then drew the parallel to ourselves and how much Jesus loves us and will forgive us when we return to him, but how we should always try to be faithful and do the things that will bring us closer to Him.
During this time, I was strongly reminded of a poem that I learned in the MTC, by Carol Lynn Pearson. I don't have a copy anymore, but as I remember it it went like this:
Forgive
Will I forgive you cry?
But what is the gift, the favor?
You would lift me up to stand beside the Savior,
You would have me see with His eyes
Smile and with Him reach out to lift a sufferer up.
Forgive, will I forgive you cry?
May I?
Oh, May I?
The spirit taught me something during this lesson, that no one else there heard, and that no one else understood. He taught me something that President Hollest didn't say, and I can't fully explain this lesson in words either, but "my joy", at that moment "was as exquisite as was my pain." and I was given a glimpse of the lesson I had been meant to learn through my earlier experiences, and a reason why I had experienced them.
Our theme for Laurel's conference was: "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." This experience was my personal lesson, to help me better know and understand Christ.
Kirby always quotes: Men are that they might have joy.
Must we then, experiencing opposition in all things, experience pain to understand joy? I do not truly know the answer to this, but in my life, they seem to be connected. Birth, Marriage, Death, Life, Family, Gospel. . .all of these things seem to present themselves with joy and pain grasping hands--existing together.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).
I have come to know and understand that many lessons in this life involve sacrifice and pain. It is just the way things are. If I am to have a child, for instance, I must sacrifice my vanity and loose my figure. I must endure physical discomfort and awkwardness for an extended period of time. Next, I must go through labor and delivery, which involves more pain. Finally, I receive a great outpouring of love and joy when I complete that process, and am presented with my child. But this is not the end, for with that child comes decades of service, trial and error, happiness and frustration, joy and pain. The same can be said for so many other worthy pursuits and expected experiences in life.
We should not be surprised or feel betrayed when we have painful experiences in this life. I know that the tendency is to suffer both of those reactions, but we must reach out to our Heavenly Father, who can comfort us and strengthen us. This makes me think of childhood vaccinations. You take a baby or young child in to the doctor for vaccinations and your trusting child, who thinks of you as a source of comfort and peace, all of the sudden, at your insistence, experiences pain. The surprise and shock in their eyes followed by tears and sadness makes a visual for me of what we experience throughout our lives when our Father in Heaven allows us to suffer painful experiences. We, the trusting child, experience shock and sadness. We may not understand why we are made to suffer so, but just as a mother knows that the vaccination has power to protect her child for a long time, and that the child's suffering will only last a moment, so our Heavenly Father must realize that our trials and sorrows can act as a learning and growing time for us. The pain will fade away, but the lesson learned will fortify our defenses and increase our understanding and knowledge from that time on, if we trust in Him and learn faith and endurance from the things we suffer, as He intends for us to do.
Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.
May we ever endure and wait for that blessed dawn, is my prayer,
in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
We have a stake president, President Hollest, who is about 35 years old. He is a seminary teacher, which probably explains partly his powerful way of teaching with the spirit and deep knowledge of the scriptures. He teaches from his heart, and from his life oft times. We had the opportunity to be taught by he and his wife at Laurel's conference. Both of them gave powerful lessons, but it was during President Hollest's lesson that something of a spiritual nature happened for me. I'm not sure I can explain it fully, but this is basically what happened.
He opened by saying that he was going to speak on something that was different than what he was assigned to speak on. He then said that the Holy Ghost would be there to teach us things that he didn't say, that those impressions from the spirit would be direct revelation to us from the spirit, so he told us to listen for the lessons that the spirit would teach us. He talked about how Heavenly Father loves us, His children, and that He reveals Himself to us often, and if we are watching for them, that we can see His tender mercies in our lives. He likened this attribute of our Heavenly Father to an experience he had playing hide and seek with his young children. President Hollest said that when he first started playing hide and seek with his kids that he would hide well, so he could win-- but because he was so much better at hiding than they were, that they couldn't find him at all and they would give up. So he learned to hide less well. He would hide, but then he would leave some fingers or toes sticking out, so his children could find him. He said that God was like that, that he wasn't hiding Himself from us very well. That He would always leave some of His fingers or toes showing for us to find Him in our lives. He wants you to find Him, President Hollest said.
Then he went on to open with verses from Hosea about a noble man whose father had given him an impure wife to marry. He explained how she would adorn herself to go out and pursue other men and how she would seek their pleasant gifts to her. President Hollest asked us to imagine being in the position of this pure man, who kept receiving back to himself this unfaithful woman, who at last decides to go back to her faithful husband. When she returned to him, he would forgive her and take her back to him.
He was describing this in such a way as to make it seem real to us, and I'm sure to many there that it was a story that they could imagine, but to me--it was real. I knew what it would feel like to be that husband, to have a spouse that repeatedly made seriously harmful choices, but to whom I would offer forgiveness multiple times. I felt the pain of the story, because it was a familiar weight, and I couldn't figure out why President Hollest was speaking to us on this subject, and why the spirit was bringing back into my memory so clearly the feeling of these experiences.
Then President Hollest explained that the story was a parable, and that the husband was a symbol of Christ, and that the wife was the children of Israel who kept going after false Gods instead of staying faithful to the Lord, who had blessed them and delivered them. Of course he then drew the parallel to ourselves and how much Jesus loves us and will forgive us when we return to him, but how we should always try to be faithful and do the things that will bring us closer to Him.
During this time, I was strongly reminded of a poem that I learned in the MTC, by Carol Lynn Pearson. I don't have a copy anymore, but as I remember it it went like this:
Forgive
Will I forgive you cry?
But what is the gift, the favor?
You would lift me up to stand beside the Savior,
You would have me see with His eyes
Smile and with Him reach out to lift a sufferer up.
Forgive, will I forgive you cry?
May I?
Oh, May I?
The spirit taught me something during this lesson, that no one else there heard, and that no one else understood. He taught me something that President Hollest didn't say, and I can't fully explain this lesson in words either, but "my joy", at that moment "was as exquisite as was my pain." and I was given a glimpse of the lesson I had been meant to learn through my earlier experiences, and a reason why I had experienced them.
Our theme for Laurel's conference was: "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." This experience was my personal lesson, to help me better know and understand Christ.
Kirby always quotes: Men are that they might have joy.
Must we then, experiencing opposition in all things, experience pain to understand joy? I do not truly know the answer to this, but in my life, they seem to be connected. Birth, Marriage, Death, Life, Family, Gospel. . .all of these things seem to present themselves with joy and pain grasping hands--existing together.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).
I have come to know and understand that many lessons in this life involve sacrifice and pain. It is just the way things are. If I am to have a child, for instance, I must sacrifice my vanity and loose my figure. I must endure physical discomfort and awkwardness for an extended period of time. Next, I must go through labor and delivery, which involves more pain. Finally, I receive a great outpouring of love and joy when I complete that process, and am presented with my child. But this is not the end, for with that child comes decades of service, trial and error, happiness and frustration, joy and pain. The same can be said for so many other worthy pursuits and expected experiences in life.
We should not be surprised or feel betrayed when we have painful experiences in this life. I know that the tendency is to suffer both of those reactions, but we must reach out to our Heavenly Father, who can comfort us and strengthen us. This makes me think of childhood vaccinations. You take a baby or young child in to the doctor for vaccinations and your trusting child, who thinks of you as a source of comfort and peace, all of the sudden, at your insistence, experiences pain. The surprise and shock in their eyes followed by tears and sadness makes a visual for me of what we experience throughout our lives when our Father in Heaven allows us to suffer painful experiences. We, the trusting child, experience shock and sadness. We may not understand why we are made to suffer so, but just as a mother knows that the vaccination has power to protect her child for a long time, and that the child's suffering will only last a moment, so our Heavenly Father must realize that our trials and sorrows can act as a learning and growing time for us. The pain will fade away, but the lesson learned will fortify our defenses and increase our understanding and knowledge from that time on, if we trust in Him and learn faith and endurance from the things we suffer, as He intends for us to do.
Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.
May we ever endure and wait for that blessed dawn, is my prayer,
in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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