The Gentle Art of Being Stubborn

Have you ever taken one of those online personality quizzes and laughed out loud because it was so spot on right about you.  It is especially satisfying when the result has captured elements of your personality that may not be widely known by your friends or acquaintances, or even by some of your family members.

This happened to me the other day with a simple Facebook quiz.  Part of the personality description was as follows:

". . . Clean, simple, elegant and highly spiritual, white personalities are people with pure intentions and angelic characters.  You probably come across as sweet and honest.  On the downside. . .(you) can be quite stubborn if you can't get what you want--which isn't often."

So, now I have revealed to you all a piece of the real me, and if you didn't know it before, you are now considering the idea that as a side dish to this "sweet and honest" presentation. you may indeed be facing a healthy serving of stubborn on the side.

The well known Meyers Briggs personality test types me out as an INFJ. Again, note the quality of stubbornness being described in its portrayal of this personality type--"Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. . .They don't believe in compromising their ideals."

My husband, Kirby, and I both type out as INFJ on this test.  We are a stubborn sandwich.  Therefore,  through the 32 years of our happily ever after, I have, out of necessity, learned to be stubborn with style.  This is a skill I have honed through long years of trial and error, and now, out of the sweet and honest goodness of my angelic heart, I am going to attempt to give you some insights into my hard won pearls of wisdom on the subject of getting out of life what you really want. Or in other words, the gentle art of being stubborn.

I read a description a few days ago which paints a perfect picture of the type of stubbornness I aspire to--it is this:

"You must become the rock the river cannot wash away."

Now rocks are quiet things when they sit at the bottom of a stream of water.  Their rough edges get smoothed off a bit by the water rushing around them, but even so, they sit, all mossy and silent, unmoved from their positions.

The gentle art of being stubborn works something like the rock in the stream.  When someone comes at you with an opinion or position that you don't agree with, the first thing you should do is to hear them out.  If you can listen without rolling your eyes, or showing your disagreement by visual cues, you are well on the way to achieving your goal.  After you have heard them out, make sure you find a couple of items among the things that they said that you can give acknowledgement to as being good thoughts or revealing their noble intentions.  This will let them know that you really heard them, and that you can appreciate their points.  Next, you can mention that you have a couple of areas where your view differs from theirs. At this point, because you have listened to their side of the argument, they should be willing to listen to you.

Make your opposing points kindly and with no attempt to alter their position, but merely state your side of the issue clearly and succinctly.  You do not have to adjust your position at all.  You don't have to agree with their position, and you can maintain your place without giving offense, or giving way.  This technique is especially helpful when dealing with issues that you have a strongly held position on.  If you don't feel strongly about something, you can and should be flexible enough to find a way to make adjustments, so that both sides of the situation will remain happy with the conclusion.  When you have an issue that you feel you cannot compromise on--you can use this method to be a rock in the stream.  Being stubborn about things that you truly believe in will pay off in your favor over time.

By being kind and viewing things from another person's side, they generally will come to respect your position, even if they don't fully agree with it, and you can learn to coexist peacefully.  Sometimes you may end up being two rocks that sit comfortably side by side in the stream, not completely touching, or agreeing on all things, but settling companionably close--like me and my partner in rock kind, Kirby, have done.  :)

Be Generous With Expressions of Love

Sunday we had a Relief Society lesson based on Linda K. Burton's talk in April 2015, "We'll Ascend Together."  Our teacher led a discussion about marriage partners and we discussed ways that we can lift and support each other as husbands and wives.

During the lesson, I was strongly impressed to share an experience from my own life.  This is the experience that I shared:

There was a time in my life when my husband, Kirby, stopped telling me he loved me.  In fact, he told me that he couldn't say he loved me, because he wasn't sure that he did.  He said he wasn't sure he had ever loved me and he doubted if he knew how to love.

This attitude lasted for about a year, so for about a year, my husband did not tell me that he loved me.

This was a terrible year.  My marriage nearly fell apart during this time.  I became increasingly insecure, defensive, and unhappy.  Kirby became more and more angry and depressed.  I began to lose hope for our marriage's future--and I had never been hopeless before.  This was a dark time full of conflict and painful experiences.

I now fast forward in time about 12 years and everything has changed.  My husband, Kirby, tells me he loves me every day--multiple times a day.  He also tells me I am his favorite, and he expresses appreciation to me for things that I do and for who I am.  I likewise express gratitude and love for him daily and we are happy, and I feel extremely blessed.  My life is full of light and happiness and I feel completely secure in our marriage.  I have hope and joy in anticipating our eternal future together.

This dramatic change in our lives did not happen over night.  It did not happen easily, but it did happen, as we gradually learned to acknowledge the reasons we love and appreciate each other, and as we decided to speak and act with love and forgiveness--taking the Lord's atonement into our lives to lift and cleanse us. In so doing, we have completely transformed our marriage from a dark and dreary burden to a source of joy and love.

Today, I am convinced of the immense power of expressing love freely and generously to one's marriage partner. I hear excuses for not doing so, such as: it may become trite; it doesn't feel natural to me; my family just doesn't say those things that often. My response to those excuses are: It will not become trite--it will become more and more powerful.  Expressing love will become natural, and your family should say these loving words often--that is how they will become internalized and be believed.

We came from our Heavenly Father's presence. There we were surrounded by love.  We were born into a family, who, if they were doing their job properly, welcomed us with love.  We are meant and designed to function best when operating in an environment that is filled with acceptance, appreciation, and love.  Love does not have some kind of limit to it.  We can give love freely and never run out of it. In fact, the amazing thing about love is that it increases as it is shared.  Why do we tend to be so stingy with it?  Especially in our marriages, we should serve it out regularly in big heaping amounts. It doesn't make us fat, or cause us to be spoiled. Love just makes us happy, and confident, and secure.  I'm convinced it will make us healthier, and more beautiful, and more joyful.  I have seen all of this happen to me and my beloved spouse.

Please tell your spouse that you love them every day.  Express gratitude daily for the things they do for you and the sacrifices they make on your behalf. See what it will do for your marriage.  It has saved mine.

Following Promptings

A few weeks ago, Kirby and I were talking about future vacation possibilities. Kirby likes to plan vacations because it gives him something to look forward to. He mentioned that he had been looking at some large rental properties at Bear Lake, and I remarked that it would be fun to have a family reunion with my family at a place like that--so an idea was born.

I went to an endowment session for one of my nieces a few weeks later and talked to my brother, Gary, and my sister, Lori, about the family vacation idea. They both thought it was a great idea, so Kirby and I started looking for an appropriate place, and a reunion was planned, and a place booked. I mention this, because during this process, I had a lot of spiritual confirmations which included the nagging impression that I should proceed with urgency despite a lukewarm reception from some people. The promptings included which place to reserve, and they helped me to not back down on the idea, despite some rather vehement objections from a particular party.

Since the vacation place has been reserved for July of 2017, many members of the family are coming on board with excited anticipation and I know this will be a great thing.

Because of the reunion planning, I had been calling and messaging family members more often than usual. We then had a sealing at the Payson Temple for my niece, Kyndra. (Lori's daughter) just a week after the reunion thing had settled down. My brother, Terry, and his wife, Lori, were there from Texas, and my father performed the sealing. It was another great family time, so you might understand my surprise when a few days later I started getting a prompting to call my mom.

It came as this thought, "You should call your mother." Well, I had just seen my mother, and I had been calling my parents multiple times during the past weeks, so I was a little surprised. I expect to see them again soon for another wedding and we don't usually talk every week.

I got the prompting for several consecutive days, before I finally wrote it on my "To Do List" and thought, okay, okay, I'll call my mother.

When I called her, I told her I'd been getting a prompting to call her. She said that everything was fine, and we commenced talking about the day to day stuff that family members talk about, but just as we were about to close up the conversation, she told me about something that had happened to Lori a few days before.

Lori had called, she said, early in the morning. She had been emotional and had had a hard time talking. Lori had told my mother that she had had a dream that morning. In her dream, she had been in the sealing room in the temple. It was Kyndra's sealing that she was viewing. In the sealing room, seated next to me was my Grandma VanBuren, (my great grandma that passed away last year). Lori said that she was wearing white, and that she glowed. Lori said that she looked good, and was younger than she was when she died. Mom concluded her narrative by saying "Grandma was sitting next to you at the wedding, did you sense anything?" I didn't have much of a response to that question, cause I didn't remember.

After the phone call, I tried to remember the sealing. It had been so beautiful. When we walked into the sealing room, the stained glass windows on the west side of the room were sparkling from the sunset. The rays of sparkling multicolored light seemed to reflect off of the mirrors and the chandeliers so that the first impression I had upon walking into the room was that it sparkled with refracted light. It was stunning. I did think, after I sat down and was waiting for things to begin, that Grandma and Grandpa would want to be there, and perhaps they were there. I guess I kind of expected that Grandma would come if she could. There was an empty chair by me, and the thought did pass through my mind that she might sit there, just as I often think that the spirit that I am doing work for might be with me during an ordinance, but I hadn't focused much on the idea since leaving the temple, and of course I didn't see anything, though the sealing was very spiritual and uplifting.

I think that Grandma wanted me to know that she was there. She let Lori know that she was there. Lori told Mom, but Grandma wanted me to also know that she had come, that is why I kept getting the prompting to "Call your mother."

Since I called, the prompting has gone, just like the urgency to plan for and reserve the location for the family reunion has gone--and I am sleeping better through the night again.

That's my angel story. Not as dramatic as some, perhaps, but evidence enough to add credence to my conviction that angels are among us.

I did watch "The Cokeville Miracle" with Bethany and Meagan last night. It was very good. I would recommend it.

Though we may not see them, our deceased family members continue to be invested in and involved in our lives. Promptings need to be followed--I have come to understand this.  Recognizing promptings when they come is a skill I am striving to develop.  I am trying to maintain a sufficient worthiness to receive promptings, to have my guardian angels remain near me always, and to always be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

It's All About Choices

Ponder thought:

The war in heaven and on earth is not actually a good vs. evil war.  Christ has already redeemed us—all of us from sin.  He has overcome the effects of sin for all men, so we don’t really have to fight about that.

The war is about personal agency—choice.  Our Father wants us to learn to follow Him by choice, to choose to follow Him from among all other choices offered to us, and to do this despite obstacles, abuses, scorn, or even physical danger.  If we will do this, and follow Him because we love Him; He will give us all that He has, and He will erase all of the mistakes that we have made along the way as we were learning how to humble ourselves, master our own wills, and become one with Him.

In order to be like Him, we have to be willing to accept and allow the same personal agency for everyone else.   We are not allowed to limit anyone else’s agency or to block their progress or their choices--whether we agree with them or not.  If we do, we are sinning, and we are not following God.  We are supposed to love everyone the way that God loves us.  That means that we should allow each person choices and opportunities. We should love and set a good example.  We should teach and be patient, but we should never force or coerce a person to do something that is against their will.  We are not to become angry or vindictive or contentious with people who disagree with us or who may make choices or conclusions that we disapprove of.  We are to be calm and loving and patient and long suffering and enduring.  We are supposed to learn to be one with Jesus Christ and receive His Spirit, which will then lead us to all truth.  When we have the spirit of truth with us we will not be deceived or fearful, or afraid, and I believe we cannot then be forced to act against the direction of the spirit by any man or spirit being.

Ponder thought:

Man is not good by design; he is good by choice.

God is not good by design; He is good by choice.

God knows all things and understands all things, both good and evil.  He chooses to be perfectly good.  Intelligence is on the side of God—not man.  Man limits intelligence by rejecting God.  God is not naïve.  He does not choose good because of a lack of options, but because He understands consequences.

An hour a day is all we ask.

“An hour a day is all we ask.”

This is the line that my husband, Kirby, repeats over and over as he encourages me to exercise every day.

Kirby started exercising about 18 months ago when he was evacuated from the embassy in Baghdad due to security concerns brought on by the increasing threat from ISIS in the area.  His trip home was delayed for some months last summer and his regular work routine interrupted by the increased security. Stuck in Bosra due to visa problems, he and some colleagues found themselves with time on their hands. They started spending several hours each day at the gym working out.  Kirby greatly increased his strength and fitness during this time, and he has continued to include exercise and fitness as an integral part of his schedule ever since.

During the same period, I was also working on improving my eating habits and counting calories.  We had both improved our health and fitness during this time—but I was struggling to achieve a pattern of regular exercise.

“An hour a day is all we ask.” Kirby would say, to encourage me to exercise daily.

With that phrase in mind, I started to work out.  Each day I would ride my elliptical and lift my hand weights and I would watch the clock on the wall.  After one hour, I would be done.  The result was that over time I got stronger and trimmer.

I began to include other things in my schedule as well--things that I could do daily to strengthen me in other ways.  During November of last year, I began posting a gospel thought to Facebook on a daily basis.  This required me to spend time each morning studying a gospel topic, so that I could find a thought to post.  This small habit has brought the spirit into my life in greater abundance and through it I have developed a love for studying the gospel.  Over the past year, I have developed a stronger desire to pray, to listen to hymns, to read gospel centered books, and to do service for others.  This has occurred because I feel the spirit as I start each day with gospel study, and being reluctant to lose the spirit that I have invited into my day, I then try to do other things that encourage it to stay with me.  I now feel the burning of the Holy Ghost in my heart most days, for a few hours a day, and I tend to recognize promptings and use them to guide my days--paying more attention to them than I once had done.

I have had music callings during the last year.  These callings have required me to practice the piano and organ more often.  One of the callings has been to play for the choir.  These songs are difficult for me to learn.  I have started to include daily practice of the piano into my routine.  I am increasing my proficiency in playing the piano, and developing a stronger love of gospel music at the same time.  I have found that hymns, and lyrics of hymns are in my mind much of the time.  This has been a great blessing to me.

I spend time talking to Kirby each day, generally an hour or more, and I often get the chance to talk to other family members or friends as well.  This is also uplifting to me.  I especially love sharing some of the things I am learning with them, and being inspired by them in return.

Now I find that my days are full of good things.  I am happy.  I enjoy time with my family, I learn, and I develop daily.  This is a good life.  I still struggle to accomplish all of my goals, and I pray for the energy to accomplish work and tasks that are mine to do.  I am trying to add regular writing time to my day, and I have been trying to add yard work, and house work to the daily routine in a way that will keep everything balanced and running well for our family and our home. 

I have not perfected my plan completely, but I have learned a lot. 

“An hour a day is all we ask, “ has served me well this year, and I expect it will continue to inspire me towards good works and positive outcomes for many years to come.

Thank you, Kirby.

Being and Doing

A few weeks ago I went on a retreat with a few friends.  One of the activities that we did while there was to find a place outside and spend some time with nature to, "See what nature would teach us."  I walked up a farm road a few hundred yards, and set up my camp chair next to an irrigation canal. Tall rugged mountains were directly in front of me; an orchard was to my left; farmland was behind me; and a few miles down the hillside I could see the freeway.  I could see cars and trucks flowing past on the interstate system by turning away from the mountain to look down into the valley. In this place I sat for some time and wrote down impressions. One of the impressions that I recorded was: "People are busy--always going somewhere.  Nature just is.  It fulfills its purpose by being not by doing."

I have thought a lot about this lesson that nature taught me since that day.  I keep finding connections to my nature lesson as I study the scriptures and ponder the correlation between being and doing. I made a list the other day of gospel concepts that involve being and others that involve doing. This is my list (it is not exhaustive):

Being:
be humble
be obedient
be pure/chaste
be honest
be faithful
be believing
be still
be prayerful

Doing/Actions:
obey
labor
seek
serve
teach
love
give
walk/run
do good
build up
sew/reap
knock
ask

So today I was thinking about this again and I decided that the being and the doing part of being righteous are inseparable, that you cannot do good unless you are good. Sometimes I think we lose the balance between the two, and we end up doing things without tapping in to the reason that we're doing them.  Then we lose the joy in doing those things, and we end up without root, all top, easy to pull out of the ground.

I have been weeding today.  We have big weeds in our side yard.  Some of the weeds are easy to pull because their roots are shallow and their tops are big and heavy, but others I cannot pull up by myself, I have to dig them up or cut them off because their roots are too deep or too wide and spreading.  I think that we can compare these weeds to my concept here.  The tops of the weeds are the doing part of life.  Everyone can see this part.  There are seeds that grow here, and can spread out and create more of the same thing.  The roots are like the being part.  They keep the tops nourished and firmly grounded.  Both parts of the plant are important, but the roots are hidden away.  Unless you are an experienced weeder, you may not recognize by sight alone which weeds have complex root systems and which are easily pulled up after a bit of rain softens the soil.

I think that in the same way the concept of being righteous grounds us and keeps us strong in doing good works.  Good works naturally spring from the good desires of our "being righteous" hearts.  If our hearts and desires are not good or if we are hiding unrighteousness, we can still do good things, but our actions spring mainly from the desire to appear good rather than from actually being good, and this goodness is shallow.

I have been reading the teachings of Paul lately for Sunday School.  He teaches about the law and the spirit, and that the law cannot save you by itself, that you have to have the spirit.  He also talks about the need to act from a place of charity in order for our works to be of value. Jesus spent a lot of time decrying hypocrites, which were people who appeared to be good, but who didn't actually act from a place of goodness--therefore their works weren't actually accounted to them as righteous acts.

Elder Scott said:"Righteous character is what you are. It is more important than what you own, what you have learned, or what you have accomplished."

I think that nature is teaching me some important lessons here about the importance of being. Taking time to become, not just to act, is something we have to think about today. We have a society full of going and doing, but we tend to lose focus on what people truly are. I think that we have a tendency to get out of balance, and when we lose balance, we struggle to find joy in our lives and purpose for all of our living.

So, in all of your doing today--don't forget to take some time to become, and just to be.