Useful information on dealing with bi-polar disorder

Digging out some boxes today I found the online book that I read, that started teaching me what to do about bi-polar disorder. by Marlee Fisher certified Nami Trainer Co-victim of depression 

Here  are some of her useful suggestions for people who live with bi-polar loved ones: (obviously edited down to summary form) 

*5 things you can start doing today

1.  Accept--this is a serious biological and physiological illness that will not clear-up on its own.

2.  Detach--sometimes you'll be talking to your loved one, and sometimes you'll be talking to your loved one's illness.  Therefore you yourself must mentally separate you loved one from the illness.

3.  Stay in Control--No matter what (and this may be most difficult to believe) your loved one does not want to lose your love and support.  Knowing this affords you a certain amount of control over the situation and if that control is used wisely and fairly, it can greatly benefit you and your loved one.  Remember that you ILO's emotional crossing guard has checked out for an extended leave of absence, so yours must do the work of two.  And controlling your own emotions has now become critical. Do not take your loved one's personal affronts personally.

4.  Put your own healthy needs first--There is such a thing as "healthy selfishness"  and I suggest you start practicing it immediately.  Let go of your pain and find the value of positive action, hope and knowledge.

5.  Learn all you can.

Identify the emotional trip wires *(this really helped me TONS)

1--False Self Perceptions-- if your ill loved one has picked a non-fight is it because your ILO wants you to agree that he is right and you are wrong?

2--Fear of Abandonment--If your ILO is finding fault and verbally attacking you, think back, did you inadvertently snag ETW #2 

3--Control--Is your ILO attempting to manipulate you into saying or doing something you'd rather not?  Then your loved one may be fearful of losing control over himself or you.

4--Distorted Reality--slippery logic, railing about how an event or conversation happened differently than it did.

Identify who you're talking to--  Is his level of emotion justified?  If it isn't then odds are you're really talking to your ILO's illness and not to your ILO.  Once you recognize you're talking to the illness, emotionally detach from the conversation and become an observer.  During overt episodes it's rarely a good time to attempt to problem solve or emotionally engage them .

Establish your boundaries--ILO's rarely realize the emotional impact they're having on the HRs so it's important to consistently let them know when it's time to stop.

Stay in control--stay as calm, level-voiced, reasonable, direct, loving and consistent as possible

stick to your guns but don't shoot.  "I love you and we can discuss this at another time."

Provide Emotional and physical exits--It's always best to allow your loved one a clear and direct physical exit from the immediate area at all times--Don't block them in! (no ultimatums).

In a confrontation with your ILO, your goal should be to modify his behavior, not win the fight.

1 Be direct

Make I statements

focus on the emotions that the person behind the illness is feeling

confine your comments to his behavor and the emotions behind them

Then:

2. Acknowledge the emotion your ILO is feeling

Identify with the emotion, empathize, be on his side, not against it.

3. Move the discussion into problem solving, rather than confrontation--you are validating concerns/ not ignoring them while simultaneously reinforcing your personal boundaries.

4.Nonetheless--refocus the conversation.  Remember your goal is not to punish the behavior but to change it.

THE ONE THING YOU CAN SAY THAT WILL IMMEDIATELY ENABLE YOUR ILO TO FEEL BETTER AND BE OPEN AND WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOUR EVERY WORD--I LOVE YOU

Biological depression is a wound in the psyches and in the hearts of its victims and co-victims.  But to paraphrase Robert Bly's incredible book, Iron John, the only way to heal a wound is to exit through it.  Therefore you must confront depression, get inside it and see what it's made of before you can hope to set foot on the path of recovery.  Biological depressions is the ultimate road test of unconditional love. . .

I hope you take with you a sense of peace, a plan for positive, healthy action and a heart full of hope, for you see my friend, there is always hope."

There is quite a bit in this book that doesn't specifically apply to my situation, but much of it does, and the general  coping mechanisms have been a God send for me.  It was good to revisit them here.