Hidden Fires

Introduction:

Living with bipolar disorder is kind of like holding egg whites in your fingers. It's hard to get a secure hold on the problem. It's slippery, and it's messy, and despite your best efforts to control it, it seems to keep oozing out between your fingers. Even so, realizing the illusive, somewhat formless nature of the subject I am addressing here, I do so at the urging of my husband of 30 years who has suffered from bipolar disorder for most of his life. My husband, Kirby, feels strongly that our story might offer hope and light to others who may be experiencing similar trials. He feels that we may be able to offer encouragement to others who are currently searching for a way through this maze, others who may be grasping for a reason to hope, or for the courage to simply face one more day.

Our story will illustrate stages that I went through as a spouse of a bipolar man and the suffering that occurred in Kirby's mind as he struggled with actions and emotions that left him devastated and self loathing. Our story includes a magical love at first sight beginning and a hopeful and optimistic first few years. It includes the surprise and shock of my first encounter with a bipolar manic episode; the extremes of suicidal depression; the acting out and rages of mania; and the crippling recurring cycle of the extreme moods of bipolar disorder relentlessly returning over many years and eventually threatening to tear our love, our family, and our inner selves apart. Even now, after several years of relative stability and internal healing behind me, I am reluctant to reopen those chapters of my life that I have left behind, or to examine too closely the wounds that are now healed over. These are the stories that we have never told. These are the secrets that we have never revealed, because to live with bipolar is to have a hidden life. To live with bipolar is to have experiences that don't fit into the woven fibers of your expectations and dreams. To live with bipolar is to have living nightmares, a series of surreal, irrational events so foreign to your expectations that you strive to deny them as though ignoring their existence would invalidate their reality.

Our journey through bipolar has taught us that to survive this disease, you must acquire coping tools. First, you must recognize and acknowledge that the behaviors you are seeing are manifestations of a disease. You must understand that these behaviors are revealing this disease to you. You have to see it. Knowledge liberates and understanding is critical.

Second, I have learned that forgiveness is essential to walking this road. You must not internally blame or further victimize yourself. Whether you are a victim of this disease, or a victim of a victim, bipolar is enough of a perpetrator. You must not compound the burden of having this disorder by beating up on yourself or your loved one. The symptoms you suffer will reek enough havoc on the foundations of your emotional and rational essence. Do not add to them your self derision. All of your focus has to be on controlling and mastering the disease. Victims of this disease have to learn to reject the instinctual and logical reaction of blaming or condemning the person afflicted with bipolar for it's manifestation. In dealing with the behaviors manifested in a bipolar personality one must learn to separate the disease from the person with the disease, and to treat them as two different subjects.

Finally, I have learned that the most essential tool in overcoming the effects of bipolar disorder, for both the sufferer of the disease, and for those who experience the fallout from it, is love. Love, in this arena, must never be withheld due to behavior. Love must remain an absolute which will never be removed from the bargaining table. Love must be the one unconditionally given and acknowledged constant in order for any nurturing secure relationship to survive the ravages of this disorder. The expression of and fidelity to love, and the solid devotion and unwavering belief in the absolute value of each person must be held inviolate. This is the final security that will ultimately hold your relationship in place and bring you out of darkness into light and love and security.

Kirby and I have not overcome bipolar disorder. He is not cured, nor has he ever been correctly diagnosed or medicated.  To this day, he still suffers from it's symptoms.  How he manages treatment is his decision to make.  He has learned to a large extent to manage his mood swings.  I believe that medication is also a viable option, and it is the one that I have chosen for our teenage daughter, who started manifesting bipolar symptoms at age 14. She has improved control of her symptoms with medication.  Kirby maintains and chooses to continue to manage his bipolar with recognition and management strategies that he has developed over the last decade or so.  Kirby and I, with the grace of God, have found our way through the ravages of this disorder with our marriage, our love, and our family intact. This is not a common accomplishment. Broken relationships are a regular symptom of bipolar disorder. We would offer hope to others, that they can do what we have done and create a love that lasts. That is why I am writing this story down.

I hope it helps someone,
Sherri Crowley

Work in Progress Ahead: Rough going. . . .(In other words, you should probably stop here, and come back later when I get this put together better.)

Chapter One
Love at First Sight

Men's voices upstairs, I heard them through my dream fog and woke to find I had fallen asleep over my books. Great, I'm a mess, I thought. Hair mussed, wearing gray sweats and sporting old glasses instead of contact lenses, all I could think was, how was I going to avoid being seen. I was in my room and no one knew I was home, but that wouldn't last. I was going to have to get up, and the floor plan of my college apartment was not going to work to my advantage.

I recognized Marty's voice, and the voice of Ann, my roommate, but there was a new male voice that I didn't know. It sounded like Ann was going to make good on her promise to cut Marty's hair. Well, I was just going to have to move as quietly as possible. The vanity and sink were just outside my bedroom door, the bathroom was on the left. Stairs just to the right of the vanity led up half a flight of stairs to our front room and adjoining kitchen, that's where the three of them were talking. Hopeless, I thought, they're going to see me.

I sneaked out of my room and glanced at the mirror above the sink. Brown eyes behind plastic frames, dark shoulder length hair gone limp, and baggie sweats, not my best look. Just then I heard Marty's voice from above. “Hey, is that Sherri? Come meet my brother, Kirby.”

Great, I thought. I ascended the stairs reluctantly. There they were. Marty, tall, with straight, light brown hair, blue eyes and a square chin. He wore a collared shirt with wrangler jeans. He was the kind of guy who looked nice in a cowboy hat, and often wore one. My roommate Ann was short and petite with cropped brown hair, a cute pixie face and a bright smile, and then there was Kirby, tall and broad shouldered. He wore a yellow ski jacket, over a navy turtle necked shirt. His jeans were baggie, his hair, black, grown slightly over his collar, his eyes a piercing blue.  I'm not sure how long it took for me to realize that I was looking at my perfect man, but it wasn't long. After the introductions, and feeling I couldn't make a neat escape, I slumped into an over stuffed chair with my feet curled up, and as invisibly as possible, began to make my assessment of the situation.

Marty and Ann had taken their position inside of the kitchen. He on a chair with her standing behind him trimming his hair. They were talking. Kirby was on the couch He could both see and be seen by Marty and Ann. I chose a chair that was out of sight from the kitchen. Since Kirby was listening to Marty and Ann's conversation, and I was successfully being ignored. I was watching Kirby.

I had dated Marty a few times over the past month. He was nice looking, outgoing, ambitious, and smart. We had had some fun, but things had kind of stalled between us, and the last time we had gone out, I'd told him about Rick, my returned missionary friend from Maryland, who I'd been writing to for three years, and who was due back at school in January. I had meant to discourage Marty, and it had worked. I hadn't heard from him for a week or two.

It was December 1982. I was a Senior at BYU finishing my bachelor's degree in Elementary Education with a minor in English. This was my first semester back in school since my own 18 month mission to Hokkaido, Japan, which had ended in July. Next on my to do list were two things: graduate, and get married--not necessarily in that order. I had found myself recently praying nightly for Got to help me to find the perfect man before I left this prime male hunting ground and ended up an old maid school marm in some po-dunk little Utah town. Still, as much as I had been longing to meet my Mr. Right, I had hardly expected him to come waltzing into my apartment and take a seat on my couch, but here he was. Now what was I going to do about it?  Well, I wasn't going to make a very good impression in the state I was in. Best stay as innocuous as possible and regroup.

For the next few days I went about my life as usual. I went to class, studied, did my homework; but on my way to and from classes, I kept my eyes open for Kirby. I saw him around a few times. He seemed to be spending his time hustling girls and skiing. He didn't seem to remember me, so I figured I'd start fresh on Sunday.

Of course, living at BYU, the primary social unit was the local church group--the student ward. That is where I figured I would see Kirby next. I dressed carefully that day for church. I chose a dark purple dress and high heels. I took extra time with my hair and make up. This time, I wanted to be noticed. Our ward meetings were held at the school. I walked down the hall, head held high, with a big smile on my face. Marty and Kirby were just ahead in the hallway, so I approached Marty and said, “Hi.” Kirby came over then too, and wanted to be introduced. We started a conversation, and this time I had lots of attention. When it was time to move to Sunday School class I fell in step with Kirby; Marty was a few steps behind. “Hey,” he said, “she came over to talk to me.” Kirby and I didn't slow down, we just kept walking and talking together. I wasn't interested in spending any more time with Marty.

During Sunday School, Kirby and I sat near each other in classroom desks and chairs, and when we broke up for Sacrament Meeting, Kirby asked me If I'd like to sit by him for that meeting as well. I agreed. Afterward, as we were walking out of the meeting, surrounded by other people, one of Kirby's friends started talking to him about their plans to go skiing on Tuesday of that week. "You know, I just love skiing," I said. Kirby didn't miss a beat, well, if I was free, would I like to go along? . .”Of course, I would love to,” I said. We walked home together and Kirby went back to Marty's apartment where he was staying. Before he left me at my apartment, we made plans to get together later that evening.

During the intervening hours, I found out later, Kirby took a drive up Y mountain and spent some time sitting on a rock, looking over the valley below. His mind was whirling, trying to figure out what to do about this girl he had just met, who had taken a fast hold of his heart, this girl named, Sherri.

Chapter 2
First Date

The snow was falling, big, white, clumpy flakes. Suspended in a cloud above snow laden pine trees we rode together, nestled in our own world of wonder. It had been a day of fun and sport. We had spent it playing the rhythm of a fall line on a crisp December, Alta, Utah, afternoon. As the ski lift silently climbed, we nestled in a white frosty world. Kirby drew me close, his arm around my shoulders.

“Are you cold? He asked.

“A little.” I replied.

He reached out to shield my face from the falling snow with his hands, and as he did so, drew his face closer to mine. The kiss was sweet, soft, and wistful. Everything blurred and contracted around me. Afterward, we snuggled. I nestled in his arm, perfectly fitted, awestruck and silent.

The lift came to the top of the run and we skied down again, but our hearts were shaken. The lodge seemed to beckon. Over food and cocoa, we curiously explored the magic of more shared kisses, at once so simple, and so sweet, as to make us oblivious to all else but the dawning of love.

Sherri and Kirby 1983

When the morning stars sang together

Job 38:7

When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy? I'm in a happy mood. It feels good that the Trunk or Treat turned out fun for everybody and that lots of people came and supported us. Today on the way home from shopping I was thinking about a comment I heard on the news last night about women in the church. The news guy asked a girl if she thought the new mission age for girls was going to give women a stronger presence in the church, and she said yes, because so many sisters would go on missions and be more spiritually strong. I was thinking about the scripture that says: When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy and I thought about the influence for good of all of these wonderful strong spirits who are now in the world and a strong confirming spirit came over me that just was so strong assuring me that we are the ones that were shouting for joy, and that we are making a difference and that we should be joyful.

Thoughts on the political debate

I have a really hard time listening to Obama now. I tune out every time he talks. I just figure everything he says is a lie anyway, so why listen to him. On the other hand, I find myself focusing very hard on what Romney says. In him I find decency and hope. I find it ironic that Obama works so hard to discredit Romney and to try to convince people that he is an evil heartless liar, when it's not true, and he works so hard on hiding his own lying and incompetence. It would be incredible, if it wasn't so predictable. I mean, just look at the scriptures. This is how anti-Christs always talk and behave. Look at the pharisees and scribes in Jesus' time, or the mobs in Carthage, or the priests in King Noah's court, or Korihor, etc. . .in each case the anti-Christ points fingers of outrage and scorn at those trying to do good things for good reasons, while hiding their own corrupt and evil motives and agendas through lies and half truths. They are always motivated by power over men, never by altruistic motives. . .but they always claim that the good person wants to enslave and exploit, and they want to free and be merciful to others. The evidence is always against their claim, but so many people listen with their ears and close up their minds. Meagan is so frustrated with her friends on facebook. All they care about with politics today is gay rights and abortion. I wonder what happened to the generations who thought both ideas were revolting.

Thus the poem by Alexander Pope:.
Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

How subtle he is, that master of deception! He knows our weakness and our desire to be trusting. He plays on both. He feeds on our need for security and gives us false leaders who make empty promises of fairness and who take away the sting of any remorse of conscience or assignment of responsibility from us while promising everything for nothing and ringing up debts that can't be paid and won't be acknowledged, like dirty little secrets, whose telling seems worse than the doing of them.

Brigham City Temple dedication

Such an amazing experience.  We got to go to the temple dedication for the Brigham City Temple.  It was so interesting.  Entering the chapel was like entering the temple.  There was a video showing rooms of the temple and organ music playing.  Everyone was quiet.  We slept in, so we went to the last of three sessions, at 3:00.  It was nice, because very few people were there, and we got to sit in the front of the chapel.  There was such a marvelous spirit there.  President Packer was the main speaker, and he was clearly deeply moved by being there.  He and his wife were from Brigham City and grew up just blocks away from the temple site.  I don't so much remember the things that were said, I mainly remember the spirit I felt.  It was so strong.  The music was beautiful.  The dedication prayer was moving.  I went with Bethany, Meagan, Becci, Caryn and Sammy.  Great day!

It makes me feel hopeful and it makes me understand God's love and power to a greater degree, I am impressed that God the Father is in charge, that His work is rolling forth, and that no power of darkness will stop the influence of light and truth which is spreading through out the world.  Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth, Peace, Good will toward men.  The spirit of God like a fire IS burning, the Latter Day glory, begins to shine forth.

My Baby Loves Me Just the Way That I Am

So Kirby and I were having a facebook chat the other day. It started because my neice, Kyndra's husband just up and decided he didn't want to be married any more, this after having 2 sons under 3 years old and with no warning to his wife. He just "doesn't love her anymore." So with that and 9-11 in my head I wrote this comment to Kirby over my breakfast cereal:

Sherri Crowley
Good morning my hero. Hero: a person who sacrifices self interest for the interest of others. There are so few heroes out there today. . .All daddies used to be heroes, but not anymore. It's a sad commentary on our society to note that selfishness seems to be the governing factor in so many people's lives and philosophies. No wonder people no longer look to Christ as an example. He just makes them look really bad!
There I go again. . . Oh, well, there's my thought of the day. . .

7:23am
Kirby Crowley
A good thought it is. A hero also needs something/someone to be heroic about/for... Just sayin'

8:56am
Sherri Crowley
Meaning?
Kirby Crowley
That without a cause, there is no fight.
Sherri Crowley
Do you think more people need to have a cause? Or that the cause is less compelling today? Or is it just a general observation?

I think this is a really interesting comment, that is why I'm asking questions. It opens up a lot of cross dialogue. I wonder if men and women have differing fundamental expectations of gender roles and responsibilities and what their different drivers are. Could we figure out ways to fix the causal factors of abandonment if we knew the motives that made men stand and defend instead of get disgusted and leave.

So then I went online and found some articles on men and relationships and I sent a link to Kirby:
http://www.topdatingtips.com/what-men-want.htm
And he wrote me back:
You don't have to understand men to understand me, and the only thing you need to understand about me is that I will do anything to protect you and the kids and to make your lives as comfortable as I can. Yes, I do like to be listened to, but that is not my motivator.

So bottom line, Kirby's motivator is me and our family. How humbling and amazing is that? What a great man I have. I love him and am so comforted by the fact that he is there for me in every way he can be. I feel deeply moved and my understanding of great men and the women who love them has taken on a new dimension of understanding.

My Wolves

It's been tough the last few weeks.
I've been feeling the gap.
We were talking about self control today in YWs and Shauna commented that there is an old Indian legend about two wolves.  A boy was describing the inner conflict between good and evil influences inside himself as having two wolves fighting for control of his actions.  He asked the wise chief how to insure that the good wolf would win out, and the chief said the wolf that will win is the one that you feed.
Perhaps I have been feeding the wrong wolf lately.

What am I talking about?
I miss Kirby.
I miss the time we could be spending together.
I miss the influences that he would have on our family if he were here to make them.
I miss the influences that he would have on me, and the strength I would gain from being with him.
I miss his physical presence, his touch, his physical strength and ability.

I see other couples being together, and I wonder why my life is different than theirs.  Why I have this challenge that others do not have.

It is silly to feed this wolf.  This wolf will devour me if I let it, so I know to shut it down, and silence it most of the time.  But there are days when I feel it's hunger, and it's yellow eyes watching me.  Sometimes I pity it and let it come close.  We cry together, and howl at the August moon, and we wait for winter and crisp January days.  It is not so far away.

I learned years ago that distance is not measured in miles.  It is measured in time.

Joy cometh in the morning

Have you ever read Hosea?

We have a stake president, President Hollest, who is about 35 years old. He is a seminary teacher, which probably explains partly his powerful way of teaching with the spirit and deep knowledge of the scriptures. He teaches from his heart, and from his life oft times. We had the opportunity to be taught by he and his wife at Laurel's conference. Both of them gave powerful lessons, but it was during President Hollest's lesson that something of a spiritual nature happened for me. I'm not sure I can explain it fully, but this is basically what happened.

He opened by saying that he was going to speak on something that was different than what he was assigned to speak on. He then said that the Holy Ghost would be there to teach us things that he didn't say, that those impressions from the spirit would be direct revelation to us from the spirit, so he told us to listen for the lessons that the spirit would teach us. He talked about how Heavenly Father loves us, His children, and that He reveals Himself to us often, and if we are watching for them, that we can see His tender mercies in our lives. He likened this attribute of our Heavenly Father to an experience he had playing hide and seek with his young children. President Hollest said that when he first started playing hide and seek with his kids that he would hide well, so he could win-- but because he was so much better at hiding than they were, that they couldn't find him at all and they would give up. So he learned to hide less well. He would hide, but then he would leave some fingers or toes sticking out, so his children could find him. He said that God was like that, that he wasn't hiding Himself from us very well. That He would always leave some of His fingers or toes showing for us to find Him in our lives. He wants you to find Him, President Hollest said.

Then he went on to open with verses from Hosea about a noble man whose father had given him an impure wife to marry. He explained how she would adorn herself to go out and pursue other men and how she would seek their pleasant gifts to her. President Hollest asked us to imagine being in the position of this pure man, who kept receiving back to himself this unfaithful woman, who at last decides to go back to her faithful husband. When she returned to him, he would forgive her and take her back to him.

He was describing this in such a way as to make it seem real to us, and I'm sure to many there that it was a story that they could imagine, but to me--it was real. I knew what it would feel like to be that husband, to have a spouse that repeatedly made seriously harmful choices, but to whom I would offer forgiveness multiple times. I felt the pain of the story, because it was a familiar weight, and I couldn't figure out why President Hollest was speaking to us on this subject, and why the spirit was bringing back into my memory so clearly the feeling of these experiences.

Then President Hollest explained that the story was a parable, and that the husband was a symbol of Christ, and that the wife was the children of Israel who kept going after false Gods instead of staying faithful to the Lord, who had blessed them and delivered them. Of course he then drew the parallel to ourselves and how much Jesus loves us and will forgive us when we return to him, but how we should always try to be faithful and do the things that will bring us closer to Him.

During this time, I was strongly reminded of a poem that I learned in the MTC, by Carol Lynn Pearson. I don't have a copy anymore, but as I remember it it went like this:

Forgive
Will I forgive you cry?
But what is the gift, the favor?
You would lift me up to stand beside the Savior,
You would have me see with His eyes
Smile and with Him reach out to lift a sufferer up.
Forgive, will I forgive you cry?
May I?
Oh, May I?

The spirit taught me something during this lesson, that no one else there heard, and that no one else understood. He taught me something that President Hollest didn't say, and I can't fully explain this lesson in words either, but "my joy", at that moment "was as exquisite as was my pain." and I was given a glimpse of the lesson I had been meant to learn through my earlier experiences, and a reason why I had experienced them.

Our theme for Laurel's conference was: "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." This experience was my personal lesson, to help me better know and understand Christ.

Kirby always quotes: Men are that they might have joy.

Must we then, experiencing opposition in all things, experience pain to understand joy? I do not truly know the answer to this, but in my life, they seem to be connected. Birth, Marriage, Death, Life, Family, Gospel. . .all of these things seem to present themselves with joy and pain grasping hands--existing together.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

I have come to know and understand that many lessons in this life involve sacrifice and pain.  It is just the way things are.  If I am to have a child, for instance, I must sacrifice my vanity and loose my figure. I must endure physical discomfort and awkwardness for an extended period of time.  Next, I must go through labor and delivery, which involves more pain.  Finally, I receive a great outpouring of love and joy when I complete that process, and am presented with my child.  But this is not the end, for with that child comes decades of service, trial and error, happiness and frustration, joy and pain.  The same can be said for so many other worthy pursuits and expected experiences in life.

We should not be surprised or feel betrayed when we have painful experiences in this life.  I know that the tendency is to suffer both of those reactions, but we must reach out to our Heavenly Father, who can comfort us and strengthen us.  This makes me think of childhood vaccinations.  You take a baby or young child in to the doctor for vaccinations and your trusting child, who thinks of you as a source of comfort and peace, all of the sudden, at your insistence, experiences pain.  The surprise and shock in their eyes followed by tears and sadness makes a visual for me of what we experience throughout our lives when our Father in Heaven allows us to suffer painful experiences.  We, the trusting child, experience shock and sadness.  We may not understand why we are made to suffer so, but just as a mother knows that the vaccination has power to protect her child for a long time, and that the child's suffering will only last a moment, so our Heavenly Father must realize that our trials and sorrows can act as a learning and growing time for us.  The pain will fade away, but the lesson learned will fortify our defenses and increase our understanding and knowledge from that time on, if we trust in Him and learn faith and endurance from the things we suffer, as He intends for us to do.

Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.

May we ever endure and wait for that blessed dawn, is my prayer,
in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Attachment Bonds

I have been doing some research on emotional attachment. As this is something that significantly effects all of us in our lives and in our most intimate relationships with others, I thought I would share what I have learned with you. As Michael and Shantel adopt a child, this will be good information to know, also for each of you, as you begin to find romantic partners, you should know how powerful these bonds are, and how they are formed. Good luck navigating the relationship jungle. . . :). Love is a wonderful and essential part of our lives, but it really helps to understand what is driving us. This e-mail contains bits and pieces of things I have collected or commented on over several days. It may seem a bit patched together. Hopefully you can make connections to your own circumstances and experiences that will help to create meaning for you. So please--read on:

This is where it started for me: the question that was in my mind today was: What is that invisible thread that connects us to certain people in our lives? What things cause such a thread to develop? What makes those threads dissolve or dissipate?

I was wondering what I could use to describe the concept I had in my mind to others and I wondered if it was a phenomenon that was unique to a specific type of person, or if it would be universal for everyone.

I remember my mother talking about her experience with a similar invisible thread. This occurred when she was emotionally letting go of her children--the proverbial cutting of the apron strings I suppose. After suffering some years of deep concern and pain on her part due to the choices of her children. (Mom had carried these burdens so long and so personally that she felt she needed a release from the feeling of responsibility for her children's actions.) She said that she was in the Celestial Room praying about it when she was basically "disconnected" or given a kind of psychic release from her children. She said it was a very visceral experience like strings of light being broken, "pop, pop, pop." I remember her using those words.

I realized that the first invisible thread that connects us to another person is our emotional tie to our parents, but more especially to our mothers. I well remember my experience as a young mother as I was minding to the needs of small children. There was a constant physical, mental, and emotional checking in that occurred each moment of the day that forged an almost tangible line between myself and my children. I was constantly aware of where they were and I was always sensing for their needs. As they got older, my kids would try to sneak up on me when I was sleeping at night, but I could always sense their presence in the room, and I would ask them what they needed without even opening my eyes. They thought this was weird, but it was just something I could do. When I had an infant sleeping in my room, I would always wake up when they started squirming around in the bassinet because I knew that they were hungry, I would almost always pick them up before they really started to cry so they wouldn't wake Kirby up in the night.

I found upon looking for information on emotional bonding that the research upon this subject is quite extensive and validates the concept that emotional ties are very vital to our psychological well being and our eventual success with human relationships. It is sobering to know how formative those first relationships are and how elemental. Here is a quote:

For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic

Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:

feel safe, develop meaningful connections with others, explore our world, deal with stress, balance emotions, experience comfort and security, make sense of our lives, create positive memories and expectations of relationships. Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:
Proximity Maintenance - The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
Safe Haven - Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
Secure Base - The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
Separation Distress - Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

This article goes on to relate the relationship between the attachment bonds we have as infants and our ability to form meaningful relationships later in life.

The study of attachment bonds later in life mainly focuses on couples. Successful couple relationships have to have certain elements to be secure and healthy. These are described as:

the ability to:
manage stress
stay “tuned in” with emotions
use communicative body language
be playful in a mutually engaging manner
be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges

Infants form an attachment to caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic attachment. Adults form a deep emotional attachment based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep attachment to that person. Once an attachment is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

Not only that, but it can be difficult to end a relationship, even a bad relationship, because people experience tremendous loss when attachments come to an end.

I am feeling like these attachment relationships are so foundational, that disruptions in them--like the death of a family member, or disloyalty of a spouse, cause us to flounder a bit in our sense of security. Finding a way to put ourselves back into a "secure" position is pretty important, but not always easily accomplished. This is what I have learned:

Attachment relationships appear to be of special importance for the maintenance of feelings of security, just as relationships of community appear to be of special importance for goal attainment. The loss of any attachment relationship would seem to lead to separation protest, one aspect of which is a sense of helplessness and fear. The presence of attachment, on the other hand, buffers what could otherwise be devastating events. In adults as well as in children, attachments appear to be relationships critical to continuing security and so to the maintenance of emotional stability. --Colin Murray Parkes, Atachment Across the Life Cycle.

Bowlby defined attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (1969, p.194).

A person who does not have a secure attachment bond as a child will not be able to manage relationships as naturally. This will effect a person's relationships during their lifetime. The identified classes of attachment types are: secure, anxious, and dismissing. Secure attachments are the type I have already described. Here are descriptions of the other two: Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; you can’t love them enough, or be close enough to them, and they constantly monitor their relationships for problems. Ironically, their need for love, makes it easy for anxious individuals to be taken advantage of when it comes to love and romance, which in the long run can create even more suspicion and doubt.

Finally, people who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners. As adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they actually fear it. They do not like it when people get close, and they don’t like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them.Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities than their relationships. They also get easily annoyed with their relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward their loved.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of love that suggests that there are three components of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For example, a combination of intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love, while a combination of passion and intimacy leads to passionate love.

According to Sternberg, relationships built on two or more elements are more enduring that those based upon a single component. Sternberg uses the term consummate love to describe a combination of intimacy, passion and commitment. While this type of love is the strongest and most enduring, Sternberg suggests that this type of love is rare.

I guess my marriage is rare for a couple of researched reasons. I think that Kirby and I started out with love at first sight, which moved into passionate love, and at this point I'm quite confident that we have attained consummate love--Maybe consummate love just needs a little more time and effort than the other kinds--that seems likely--if you keep working on it, I think you master it. That seems like a good reason to tough out the tough times, to keep working out the kinks, and to stay in it for the long haul.

So to revisit my original question: What is that invisible thread that connects us to certain people in our lives? What things cause such a thread to develop? What makes those threads dissolve or dissipate?

I've got the answer to all of my questions now:
The invisible thread that connects us to certain people in our lives: this is an attachment bond.
The things that cause such a thread to develop: are physical contact (cuddling), intimacy (sharing personal feelings and thoughts), and compassion (caring for the other person as much as you do for yourself.)
What makes those threads dissolve or dissipate: Security. Security allows the child--or adult to venture out, using the attachment bond as a home base, and to become independent or self reliant. New attachment bonds may then be created that become primary over the old bonds as in the parent child bond becoming secondary to the spouse bond.

There is a natural tension between attachment and independence. It seems to correlate with the opposition in all things idea. We crave independence and need to be independent, but we are also biologically programmed to develop attachment bonds. Knowing both of these things, we may want to be careful. Attachment bonds, once created are not easily escaped--and if not developed can leave us feeling insecure and vulnerable--they can effect our actions and reactions to people in our lives.

Just thought I'd share the knowledge--You might want to ponder on the implications in your own lives, or even do some more research on the subject. I'd be happy to share some of the articles I found most helpful.

My grateful note

Every day, I look into the mirror and say to myself--"You're a beautiful woman."

I am living my happily ever after. I can see it. I believe we all fight for the place where I am at. I have learned that life is long--so we learn to endure the bad days, cause after they're over, there is always a sunrise, or a rainbow. I really believe this. I believe that God loves us, and that if we demonstrate our belief in that love, that all the rest is less important. This life's purpose is to develop character and faith. We need trials. If we hadn't needed them Adam wouldn't have fallen, Satan would not have been allowed to remain here, and Christ would have had much less to suffer for.

I am married to a hero. I am his "favorite." He is doing amazing things. Every day he sacrifices so much for me--to provide for my needs and he also makes significant contributions to his work. He and I can be silent together, we can talk about things, we agree about the big things, and we have learned to "not sweat the small stuff." There's a lot of small stuff, but there are only a few really important things, and we have learned what they are. We love to spend time together. Time-- it has become so precious--so precious. I have lost patience for women who complain about their husbands. I have learned that there is so much to appreciate in what men do for their families, that there is seldom justification in our complaining about what they may not do as well. I have learned to love my man freely, and I have learned that he will do almost anything for that love and affirmation. Men are cool like that. I didn't always see this fully. Now I do.

As for kids. My kids may do some dumb things, they may not choose what I would have them choose all the time. But I am honored to be their mother, and I will love them and fight for them forever. The same is true for my husband. The same is true for my extended family. I believe that I was born to be a wife and mother. That is not a burden to bear, this is my glory and honor. I believe I earned such a place, and I work to maintain it. We should not give up on our children, nor expect that they will not have obstacles to overcome. We nurture them and love them and give them a home. We try to teach them. God gives them life, freedom, agency, and opposition, and he provides a Savior for them.

Satan is a creep. I have nothing but contempt for his tactics. I am wary of him, and I do not discount his ability to mess with us. He has been practicing his schemes for a long time.

I am in a good place. I may spout off at times, but I am not in danger. I am in a secure place. I have my Father watching over me, the Holy Ghost as my companion, and the Savior as my advocate. All is well. All is well.









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My Titanic Theory

I watched a series on the Titanic last Friday, and this week we read a National Geographic Magazine article on her. I decided that the Titanic was built to carry a lot of people, that wasn't her problem. The problem was that she took on too much water and lost buoyancy. I thought about the cause of the disaster that sunk her. The cause of this tragedy had everything to do with the arrogance of people involved. Because the people in command were so convinced that the ship was unsinkable, they failed to take normal safety precautions, such as slowing down and keeping a sharp look out for icebergs after receiving a warning that icebergs had been spotted in the area where they were sailing, and such as failing to have adequate numbers of lifeboats on board, Because of the arrogance of those in command, there was too little warning and too little recourse when they were faced with an obstacle in their pathway. Although they tried to avoid a collision and received a glancing blow; the ship was scored along her side to such a degree that her hull was breached in multiple places. So although she avoided a violent collision, she could not avoid a rapid intake of water. Water came into the ship to such a degree as to weigh her down and swamp her. The water replaced lighter air, and buoyancy could not be maintained. I started thinking about this event as a analogy to life. Some of us are big beautiful ships carrying a lot of people on board, but we need to remember to proceed through life with caution, to heed safety precautions, and to carry life boats. I surmised that the key to avoiding the fate of the Titanic and becoming a sinking ship without enough life boats, is to remain humble, and to remain buoyant. You can do this by obeying council that gives you warning of obstacles in your path, You can slow down enough to watch out for and avoid dangers, and if you start to feel swamped, or feel like you are loosing buoyancy; you can do something to refill yourself with light and air. Don't allow the heavy water of the worldly weights of sin or discouragement to swamp you. Stay full of air, which is light and truth--spirit and hope. Stay light, and you can and will safely carry a large number of people back and forth across the hazardous water multiple times, in perfect safely--just don't go too fast or too carelessly, and watch out for iceburgs. Don't let Satan and his influences breach your hull so that you become swamped and you and everyone else on board your ship goes down in a spectacular but horrifying spiritual disaster.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSGeskFzE0

Bring It On Home

Little Big Town

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here.

I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind
Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away
You got someone here wants to make it alright

Someone who loves you more than life right here

Binding Powers

Sister Lemke reported on her mission to upstate New York today in Sacrament Meeting.  From the time she started speaking, I felt that the spirit was trying to send me a message.  It was like he was telling me, "pay attention, you need to learn something!"  As she started speaking I recalled myself at the same point in my life, just returning home from my mission in Japan.  I remembered what it felt like to be at that place and I remembered who I was at that time.  I thought that I, like Sister Lemke, had done my best to serve an honorable mission and I felt that I, like her, was worthy, prepared, and capable of proceeding from that point of my life to make important next steps.

I specifically desired after returning home, to find a husband and to get married and start a family.  I had a lot of friends and I was very happy.  I had a good life--but as I started to focus on completing school, what I wanted more than anything else, was to move into my next role of wife and mother.  I felt certain that the Lord would soon fulfill the promise that  he had made to me in my patriarchal blessing: to be a mother in Zion, and I felt that there was a young man who was looking for me, as I was looking for him, so that we could create a family together.

Sister Lemke mentioned during her talk that she was taught in the MTC that through obedience and diligence that we "bind the Lord."  "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say."  She said that her teacher asked the missionaries to write a list of things that they would like to learn or accomplish while serving a mission and that he told them they could expect to receive these blessings if they were obedient and served faithfully while they were on their missions.  She said that on her list, she had aimed well short of the blessings she had actually gained from serving the Lord.

I realized that without specifically labeling or recognizing it as such, that I had done something like this myself.  I had basically gone to the Lord after serving my mission expecting him to grant me the desires of my heart and expecting that he would help me find a worthy man to marry.  I laid out to him my offering of service and obedience and explained my readiness and worthiness, and I fully expected my prayer of faith to be answered. I started earnestly praying for this to happen in October or November; and I met Kirby in December.  I "recognized" him immediately as someone I "knew,"  and after only a few weeks spending time together, we both agreed that we loved each other, and that we should make plans to build a forever future by getting married in the temple and having children together.

I realized during Sister Lemke's talk that I had proceeded at that time based on the principle of "binding" the Lord to help me achieve my righteous desires.  I realized that the spiritual message that I was receiving today was a reminder and confirmation of that experience from my past, and that it came as an added  reassurance to me that I had been acting at that time on the inspiration of the spirit. I have seen this sort of system of binding the Lord work in other matters in my life.  Of course, we are not perfect, and we cannot make demands of the Lord like spoiled children, but if we are being obedient and doing the best we can to follow the Lord, we can expect that our most heart felt desires and sincere prayers will be answered by Him, sometimes in miraculous ways.

Sometimes miracles happen over time, and we don't always recognize them for what they are, but when we look back, we can often recognize that a blessing has been recieved, and the spirit can confirm that this is true.  I think that this happened today for me.

I am intrigued to see Bethany following in the same steps I took at her age, as Caryn did as well.  I can see that as each of them have prepared to and in Caryn's case, have served  missions, they have and are expecting and mentally and emotionally preparing to make next steps and move into that next important role in their lives--marriage.  I see my children following in paths that I have walked, and I realize that life is made up of a series of actions and influences.  Positive actions and examples can leave trails for others to follow, even when you are not aware at the time that you are making a path.

I can see so many things that are imperfect about myself and my life, but I have learned one thing, that if you  endeavor to be in the right place at the right time, that the Lord will then grant to you that which is required for you to fill the role you are trying to fill.  He has and is preparing a way before us, we just have to trust Him, so he can direct us and we need to follow that direction when it comes through the spirit of revelation.

I struggle daily to find ways to prioritize my roles and desires, to extend my energy and strength, and to find wisdom to cover more--better.  Everything takes time, but time is not malleable.   What can I do to make time more effective?

Yesterday I was out in my garden.  I have struggled over the past several years to create a flower garden that would self perpetuate. . .a perennial garden of flowers and shrubs that would give me joy, as I have always found joy in the beauty of flowers.  My yard has suffered from neglect caused by business, and from the abuse of dogs, and from the need for added enrichment to a clay based stubborn soil; but yesterday, I walked out into my somewhat neglected backyard and found that my flowering bushes were loaded with blossoms.  Over the past 7 years, many of my plants have succumbed to the obstacles of living in my backyard and have withered away; but there are other, seemingly hardier strains, that are still there.  These plants that have endured are bigger, and stronger and more established than ever before.  They give me joy, and I realize that my life is like my yard.  It isn't necessarily neat and orderly nor is it always well tended.  There are some holes dug in my lawn. The wind has broken some gates.  The dogs have bitten off my sprinkler heads, and a bit  of grass has crept into my flower beds.  There are even some weeds with stubborn root systems which are proving difficult to remove from my perennial flower garden; but in spite of all the imperfections and flaws--the years of inconsistent but continued effort to overcome these challenges has resulted in a harvest of sorts.  Some of those more stubborn and hardy varieties of flowers have made progress despite the obstacles, and I find their blooming to be beautiful and sweet.  They give me joy, and provide beauty to my world as I see them blossom in my life.

Thus I find that time is not only my frustration. . .it is also my friend, for as it passes I have the opportunity to gather blossoms and rest in the shade of trees I have planted. This has happened, of course, between pruning back branches and pulling out weeds, but it has happened.  Why?  Because I made an effort to plant something in the first place, and because I stuck with it long enough to see it grow.

That's how life works--at least for me.

Easter musings

It's been a quiet day today.
I have been thinking about some things.
I like it when I have some time to contemplate and ponder. I haven't decided if this time is useful, or if I could be using time more wisely, but it is what I tend to do none the less.
There have been a lot of ideas rattling around in my head over the last few days, so I am not quite sure where to start from.

I walked around part of the cemetery in Santaquin while I was there. I saw some names of people I once knew on the gravestones there. I thought it strange to think that the only place they had left to claim was that small plot of land that their remains rested in. I thought that they would now care little about the things they once owned, but that their family was something of themselves that continued here that they would ever be watching over.

I went back to "Embraced by the Light" today and looked up a part that I was trying to remember. Eadie said in her book, that as pre-earth spirits we had specific qualities we needed or wanted to develop while here on earth. She explained that certain people in our lives are there to support us in our goals and that other people are given physical or circumstantial challenges to help themselves and others to grow. She said that sometimes very strong spirits are given short lives or physical challenges because they themselves need to grow very little, but the people around them are able to experience growth through overcoming trials they may provide or through helping them and can learn of charity through service or compassion.

She said that the greatest things that we need to learn on this earth are to love and serve each other and to love and accept Christ, who is the door through which we all will return to our heavenly home. She explained that the physical elements of this life were not seen as important before we came here, instead the main focus was on the spiritual lessons we planned to learn or attributes we intended to develop.

Eadie explained that there were relationships that we had built over long periods of time between ourselves and other spirits before we came to earth, and that there were spirits that we aligned with as families or friends--agreeing to help each other achieve certain goals or work out an intended mission while here on earth.

I also read Brother Holland's talk, The Laborers in the Vineyard, today. That was such a powerful talk. I resonated to the message of that talk. It doesn't matter when we get there, or how fast we travel, or what road we take to build faith in our Savior and choose to labor in his vineyard. It just matters that we join the labor force before the harvest is over.

When Kirby left to do contract work in Iraq, I had a sort of Pandora's box that opened up in my mind and heart. It was a box full of hidden things in my psyche that I had shoved in and closed the lid on and would never look at or let out because of the fears and doubts lurking with them. The pains and regrets and disappointments that had been locked up and buried and covered over through time poured out of that box and I found that I had to do something with them. I had to deal with the stuff that was in there. I had to take those things out and look at them, and feel them, and understand why they were there. I had to confront them. The box couldn't be closed or buried any more.

The first year he was gone, I was obsessed with dealing with all of those things. My mind dwelt on them all of the time. Finally there came a time when I started to understand that all of the difficult experiences I went through in my life, were things that were designed for me to learn from. That I had made choices that had taught me lessons. That I had endured trials and taken paths that helped me grow, and that I now had the potential to help others to grow. I didn't need to fear my past, or regret it, or to feel pain from it any more. I just needed to recognize and allow Christ to heal me and make me whole again. I needed to let all of those scary, hidden, ideas melt away into the past, and I only needed to remember and keep the faith that grew from those trials, and the understanding that I had acquired through experiencing them, so that I could know, and help others to understand how spiritual and emotional healing occurs.

Today in Sunday School we had a lesson on Enos. The teacher was trying to emphasize how long Enos prayed and how he heard a voice and he was pointing out that this was a somewhat unusual experience. I made the comment that I didn't think it was unusual at all. That each of us, just like Enos, has things to overcome in our lives, whether it be grief from loosing a loved one, or the pain from sin, or abuse, or illness. We all have burdens that we have to cast upon the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that only through Jesus Christ can we be relieved of these burdens and be healed.

A sister came up to me after the block of meetings and said "You really get it don't you? I want to get it like you do." I told her to come over sometime, and we'd talk. She is a single mother with three kids. One of them is in my Laurel's class and spends a lot of time at our house with Becci. We have talked a few times before. She was a missionary once too. Her husband ended up in jail years ago, I'm not sure why. One of her sons has anger management issues, the other has moved out and is living with another family because his brother beat him up badly. She is working hard to support herself and her kids and dealing with a lot of past baggage along the way. I believe that as members of the church, dealing with the loss of "the dream" is a big deal. We all want our happy ever after ending. We feel cheated when something happens to sour that result, and we look to put the blame on ourselves or others. We become disillusioned and disappointed with what we find is our lot. Sometimes that disappointment is harder to deal with than the actual labor involved in managing such results.

I was made aware, while in Santaquin, that Chad Rowley is going to be a mission president. I am happy for him. All of those boys I knew growing up-- they have made something of themselves. I am proud to have known them. I am glad that I can look at their successes today and not feel badly about being at a somewhat different place along the trail. I can be glad for people's successes. I can realize that lives don't always follow a previously imagined route.

We may be skipping along the yellow brick road, but we must remember that part of the journey involves overcoming the obstacles placed along the pathway, helping others along the trail, and that we may end up getting side tracked by phony wizards at times. We may have to melt wicked witches to get back to the intended goal, and at the end of our story, we may indeed find that we've had the power with us all the time to get to where we want to go--home.

To Kirby,

It was interesting to go visit Lori. George is home and doing so much better. He still has dialysis every other day, but his systems seem to be repairing. He is back to work part time, though he is being careful and is still weak. He came out to talk to me, but couldn't stand too long and had to go back to bed after a bit. He was grateful for everything people had done for him. I think has come to realize how much he matters to people, and that he has a purpose to be here, otherwise he literally would be gone.

Apparently the most notable change, according to his family, is his change of heart. Nothing like almost dying to make someone learn to appreciate the value of their life and loved ones I guess. He has become more gentle and kind, and their family seems to be happy and at peace. That is a great blessing.
I stood in Lori's little house, which was literally full of people, Kyndra and Landon and their two little ones, Erika and a couple of friends, one of George's girls,Tae, Meagan, Becci, and I and Lori and George were all in Lori's front room, and it didn't seem crowded at all. It just felt happy and right.

We have so many blessings, the gospel, our families, literally our lives, our health, our ability to love and be loved. I am grateful for my privilege to have the chance to live and to have such an amazing family--two families, or three. My family, your family, and our family together. What great people we have the chance to be connected to!

I got to hold Lori's new grandson. He is at home too and doing well. It is always such a peaceful thing to hold a newborn. They are so calming. It seems like we may have crisis in our lives when we need to grow--or when we need to learn great lessons that make us grow, and that shift our focus to the things that really matter.

I am so grateful for you and to you. I feel privileged to be the one to be yours and to join with you to make a life and a family together. I feel that you are such a mighty soul. You have and are overcoming such amazing obstacles and have passed difficult tests. You are becoming a mighty being, and I get to spend eternity with you. I am excited at the prospects of our eternal future together.

I love you,
Sherri

Bethany's National Merit Scholarship Application essay

I laugh as I read this writing prompt, because I am not sure whether my father, Kirby Crowley, is my greatest influence, or the obstacle I have overcome. He is the most intelligent man I know--the strongest. He is also Manic Depressive.

As his daughter, I built up a psychological hardiness as I lived through his rages and depressions. Experience with his disorder gave me emotional intelligence and a thicker skin than most. I learned to smile even when I was falling down. A sense of humor is a great tool when facing adversity and I know that from experience.

Kirby Crowley is also a genius. My attention to detail and perfectionist tendencies were inherited from him. He can do everything from engineering to interrogation to teaching. As far as I can remember, he trained my siblings and me to think independently. If we had a problem, he often refused to give us the solution outright. "Figure it out," he would tell us, "Don't say 'I don't know', because you do, so figure it out." This frustrated me when I was younger, until I realized that he had taught me valuable problem solving skills.

This man is someone I can not help but love. In contrast to the memories of him putting holes in the walls are tender recollections--such as when I had bronchitis and could not breathe and he wrapped the two of us in a blanket and we sat on the porch in the cold air. He may not be the best at saying "I love you," but it shows in his sacrifices and it is in his voice when he says he is proud of me.

I can truly say that I am who I am today because of my father, Kirby Crowley.

An Answer to Prayer

About 2001, Kirby and I were living in Las Vegas.  Kirby was working for Marshall Sylver, a hypnotist and motivational speaker.  He was doing bookkeeping for Marshall's company.

Kirby had been through a series of employers over the preceding years, and had recently closed a joint business venture that had died a sad death.  He had been teaching and running a satellite school for Universal Accounting Center, which was based in Salt Lake City.  That experience had been really emotionally and financially difficult for us, but especially for Kirby.  We had had such high hopes for the school's success, and he had worked so hard, but it had not been successful for reasons unique to LasVegas and their policies on schools of that type.

Prior to our move to Las Vegas, Kirby had gone through several other jobs, partly due to a bad economy, partly due to stresses which triggered Kirby;s bipolar mood disorder.  Kirby's bi-polar was rapid cycling by this time and he was really struggling with depression and anxiety.  This was regularly manifest in angry outbursts and impulsive behavior.  He had distanced himself from the church, and was distancing himself from me and others.  He was struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses.

My bishop had suggested that I go to the temple once a week to help me cope with my situation better.  I am afraid that though I tried on several occasions, I only remember going once.  It was very difficult for me to attend the temple at this time, because, since we had become a couple, even from before we were married, Kirby and I had always gone together to the temple.  We had often been invited to be the witness couple while there, so much so early on in our relationship that it happened almost every time we went.  This day when I went to the temple in the afternoon, the session was almost empty, and I was asked to participate as a witness with another brother who was there.  This was really hard for me to do under the circumstances.  After the ceremony, I went into the celestial room and prayed.

I was concerned that Kirby was so bitter and angry about life and circumstances as to be unwilling to live up to the covenants that we had made together in the Lord's house, and I was not sure when we would be able to come to the temple again as a couple, if ever.  In the holy house of the Lord, I prayed for comfort and strength, and for the direction I should go.  I prayed for Kirby.  At that time, I was given an assurance, that if I was patient, at a later time, that Kirby would be there in the temple with me again.

That promise took some years to be fulfilled.  In October of 2010, Kirby and I went to the Logan temple together.  It was the first time we had entered the temple together in about 10 years.

In an interesting twist, in February of 2011, Kirby and I made plans to go through the temple with his parents, and we had intended to go to the Saint George temple, but since it was closed for cleaning, we went instead to the Las Vegas temple.  When I entered the celestial room that day, Kirby was sitting there waiting for me on the same couch upon which I had prayed years before.  It was the first time we had ever gone to the LasVegas temple together, even though we had lived only a couple of miles from it for about 6 years.

I was able to tell Kirby about my experience praying for him there while we were sitting  in the same celestial room and in the same place where I had received my answer, "be patient, and he will be with you here in the celestial room again".  I have felt that I needed to record this experience, as it was a great witness to me of the importance of patience, and the eventual exact answering of prayers.  So as imperfect a record as this is, here it stands, as a witness to the answering of my prayer.

Individual Worth

I am a daughter of my Heaven Father, who loves me; and I love him.
I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.
These are the first lines of the YW theme, personalized a bit. They explain who I am, and what my mission on this earth is.
Do I have value? I have infinite and eternal value.
Does my Father in Heaven love me? My Father loves me with an infinite and eternal love that began before this world was formed and that extends far beyond the days that I will spend on this earth.
Why is it important, not only to know this, but to internalize it and to truly believe it is true? Because it is the key for me to become worthy to return to Him.
Why do I say this?
What is the first and great commandment according to Jesus?
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy mind, and with all thy soul;
and the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
How can I love my neighbor as myself if I don't love myself? I can't.
There is a key here, that I think we often miss, or misunderstand.
A very smart woman once said: To say I love you one must first be able to say the I.--Ayn Rand
If you do not love yourself, you cannot love your neighbor; and if you compromise a person's ability to love themselves, you limit their ability to love anyone else. That is abuse.
God has said: This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.
He has also said: Man is that he might have joy
and we know that: . . .God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.
That is a lot of love.
How can we show love for our Father in Heaven?
I John 5:
3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
How can we show love for our neighbor?
2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments.

Now what we tend to be thinking when we hear things like keep the commandments, Love God, is: but what if I make mistakes? You know I am so weak and so imperfect that I know I am not worthy of such a big responsibility. I don't know if I can do this. I'm not sure that God can really love me because he knows all of my faults, these people, they don't really know how flawed I am, oh sure, God loves Sister Crowley, but I'm not so sure he loves me.  So let's talk about self depreciation, and where that comes from.

Let me start by drawing a comparison.  I'm going to tell you a little about my husband's occupation.
My husband, Kirby, is trained in military intelligence. Initially he was trained as a radio intercept operator. He was a Korean linguist at the time, and it was his job to listen to radio transmissions of the enemy and to gather and report intelligence about their position and movements.
He was later trained as an interrogator and  a reports editor. He was then responsible to gather and report information he could obtain from interviewing prisoners or informants and by asking them questions to find out where weapons were cashed, or who our military enemies were. Today, he is a screener and a data manager. He makes sure that the people who work at our bases and at our embassy in Iraq are not people who's design is to infiltrate our defenses and to do us harm.  He does this by running detailed background checks and interviews to clarify each person's purpose and to judge their character.
Basically the mission focus of his jobs through out the years could be summarized in this way:  know your enemy, know his position and strength,  and keep him from infiltrating your defenses.

I want to Compare the job Kirby does to our spiritual battle with Satan. Satan is our spiritual enemy. We need to be aware of his position and strength to keep him from infiltrating our defenses.

We should know the tactics Satan uses against us. We should realize that he is just as eager to infiltrate our defenses as any earthly enemy could be.

I want you to know and understand that one of the most commonly used and most effective strategies Satan uses against us is to attack our self worth. He knows that by weakening our ability to love ourselves that he will weaken our love of God, and that he will weaken our faith in God's plan of redemption, and thereby he will make us doubt God's infinite power to save and heal us.  He will also weaken our ability to love and serve others by making us doubt our ability to be of use to others.

Satan's attacks include self criticism, excessive guilt, negative worldly influences, fear, and shame, Thoughts like: I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive, I'm not smart, I don't have any unique talents,  no one cares about me,  or I can't do that it's scary, it's too hard. I can't come to my Father in Heaven in prayer, he won't answer me, or I can't go to church, I'm not worthy. Heavenly Father doesn't or can't love me because I am imperfect or insignificant.  These are stratagems and ideas Satan uses against us.  They are some of his fiery darts.
How do we counter or block these attacks? One way we can do this is to fortify ourselves and our children by developing unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. Unshakable faith is developed by simple practices like the ones given to us by our YW's Leader Elaine Dalton at our leadership training meeting last year:
She told us that there are a few simple things that we need  to do every day, minimum daily requirements, you could say.  They are:
Pray, at least twice
Read the scriptures at least 5 minutes
Smile
Obey the commandments

She reminded us that we need also to have spiritual experiences that build our faith on a regular basis.

I read a study this week done in 2006  by BRENT L. TOP, a PROFESSOR OF CHURCH HISTORY, AND BRUCE A. CHADWICK, PROFESSOR OF SOCIOLOGY, BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY. They researched the development of self worth in LDS young people. I quote from their results:

Our study showed that the young people with the strongest feelings of self-worth gained this confidence through gospel learning and spiritual experiences that took place primarily in the home. Regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening are cornerstones for establishing a household of faith. All of these activities are closely associated with stronger feelings of confidence in youth.

It appears that a spiritual home environment, coupled with involvement in Church activities and programs, guides young people to know the truthfulness of the gospel for themselves. “We parents need to take seriously our responsibility to provide religious training in the home so that our children will in turn take religion seriously and personally,” taught Elder Joe J. Christensen, then of the Seventy.
We found that those young people who regularly prayed and studied the scriptures on their own felt the Spirit more often in their lives and reported stronger feelings of individual worth and confidence. One of the most important things parents can do is to encourage their children to personally call upon their Heavenly Father to open and close each day. This one religious practice was found to be even more important than participation in family prayer. Family prayer and scripture study can be viewed as “external” religious practices, but individual prayer and scripture study are “internal” and nurture a personal relationship with God. end quote

I can personally testify of the importance of building a reservoir of testimony and a fortress of faith while young. The testimony I built from my own personal experiences with prayer and scripture study during my youth and young adulthood fortified me when I was subjected to trials later on in my life. I could call upon memories of testimony building experiences in my past when the difficulties of life threatened to shake my faith. We need to encourage our youth and children to build such reservoirs and fortresses for themselves.

I can see how the youth programs of the church are striving to build up our children and youth in these ways.
The YW/YM themes reflect these purposes: Since I have been YW leader we have had these themes:
Be strong and of a good courage be not afraid. Neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
13th article of faith—We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolant, and in doing good to all men, indeed we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul, we believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured all things, and hope to be able to endure all things, if there is anything virtuous, lovely or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
Note the action words in this article of faith: we believe, we hope, we seek, we endure.
And our theme for this year is
Arise and shine forth that thy light may be a standard for the nations.

Arise and shine forth!
Be a light, be a standard!

How?  I will tell you about three lessons I have learned personally through answers to my prayers that have helped me to learn to put my trust in God and to Love Him.

First lesson:  Be prepared and ye shall not fear.

I remember as a missionary, a time when this scripture was an answer to my humble prayer to be able to be a light, and to be a standard  for some of the people in the nation of Japan.  I felt my inadequacy.  I felt weak, I was still learning Japanese, and I was trying to testify of Jesus Christ and teach lessons about the gospel in a language that was difficult and new to me,  My companion told me that I needed to look up and make eye contact with the people I was teaching, but I found that I was thinking so hard  that I wasn't sure I could do this,  I was afraid. So I prayed for help, and clearly to my mind came the phrase:  Be prepared and ye shall not fear.

Second lesson:  Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not to thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct thy path.

Often in my life I feel overwhelmed as I don't know how to fill all of the responsibilities that I have been given in the limited time or with the limited energy that I have allotted to me.  I have learned to trust that if I am doing what I can to prepare myself, that the spirit will then step in and guide my way.  He has directed my path countless times as I have learned to listen for that still small voice to guide my actions and magnify my efforts.

We will all make mistakes.  Count on it.  We will have trials and disappointments.  We all have weaknesses and faults, but we must not let our mistakes, our trials, our disappointments, or our weaknesses block our path or take us away from the light and knowledge that God would send to us to guide us.

We must believe, hope, endure, seek, and shine forth!

Third lesson:  We must remember that we are noble spirit sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father, who loves us.  We must trust in His power to direct our lives and we must go to him for support, encouragement, protection, and for the great love that He can send to us.

The first answer to a personal prayer that I remember vividly,  occurred when I was about 13 years old.  I felt alone and a bit socially awkward at the time.  I strongly desired to find a friend who could understand me.  I asked Heavenly Father, in prayer, if He would be my friend.  When I did, I had the most marvelous feeling come over me; a feeling of warmth and love and light. I have had that feeling return at various times through out my life, to varying degrees.  It comes when I have sought for my Father's guidance in prayer, or at times when I have been in holy places, like the temple, or often when I have been at church, or when I have been bearing testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel to others.

I am confident that you have felt this love also.  I know that our Father in Heaven loves all of his children and that He will come to each of us when invited.  Remember His love when you are in dark places, when you are afraid, or tempted, or sad.  Remember to "look up" as President Monson has counseled, when you have problems, or concerns, or weights that you carry.  Let Him help you and sustain you through your hard times and your troubles.  Let Him heal you of your pains and sorrows.

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.  For whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

To this I add my witness, that God lives, that He loves us, that His purpose, and the purpose of this life's experience and the mission of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is to help us and to empower us to return to Him, our Father, and I do so in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen.

Absolute Value

I've had an idea going through my mind the last couple of days.  It is, that a soul has absolute value, kind of like a number.  It can have a negative or positive influence, but it's value is absolute.

This thought runs in conjunction with a lot of things that have happened over the last week, including two young men committing suicide at our local high school; a teacher at my school having a mental break while at school with accompanying bizarre behavior and subsequent hospitalization; and my brother in law having unexpected severe complications from an infection, which landed him in the hospital in ICU with his body systems failing.  He is still battling for his life.

This all occurred from Sunday to Wednesday of this week.  By Friday we were all mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, and today I have been spending a lot of time processing.

In contrast, Wednesday we had a wonderfully uplifting New Beginnings for Young Womens, and the week has improved since then.  Last week and the week before, Kirby was here, and things were marvelous.  Thankfully that high has kept me insulated a bit.  Kirby is stuck in Kuwait, by the way.  Things are unsettled enough to make re-entering Iraq at this time, unsafe.  He is trying to get some paperwork done to help this process along today.  We will see how that goes.

I wrote a short article to submit to a ward member's blog on mood and psychological disorders today.  I will attach that here.  I also have been asked to teach a lesson on suicide tomorrow, and I get to talk in church next Sunday.  I hope to obtain the spirit's direction for both tasks.

Here is the article.  Kirby also added a comment.

Hi, I'm Sherri. Shauna asked me if I would contribute to her U-2 site. I-2 have dealt with a BCD. My husband of 28 years, and now my daughter, 15 years old, are afflicted with bi-polar II disorder. In case you are not aware, BP II consists of periods of mania, depression, and mixed episodes. Mixed episodes are times when both mania and depression are evident. BP II is one of the most difficult BCDs to correctly identify and treat. There are many symptoms of this disorder, but impulsive behavior, broken relationships, and suicide are some of the big ones.

I have learned many things over the span of years that my family has dealt with this issue. I will try to elaborate on some of them briefly. Someday, I may write a book--because that is the length of article I would have to write to effectively cover this span of years and the lessons I have learned—stay tuned :).

At this point in time, I have come to realize that mental illness is simply one of many trials that we may be subjected to in this life. It has a purpose similar to other trials of life. In my mind, the purpose of these trials is to teach us to love unconditionally, as Christ does; to teach us that each life has immense unconditional value; and to teach us to come unto Christ to be healed from the emotional, physical, and spiritual injuries of this life. Christ is the great healer, the light, and the life. He will be the one ultimately, who will bring us up out of the grip of these diseases and their effects, and who will bring us peace. I have experienced this healing myself, and testify that it can come.

This is not a simple process or an easy road. It is one that has literally taken me 28 years to traverse. There is much difficulty in this journey. I would not in any way try to simplify it or make light of the suffering incurred by anyone who is subjected to these trials, but I would offer hope. At one time my husband and I were at the brink of divorce. At many times he was suicidal. For ten years he was inactive in the church. (We were both returned missionaries who married in the temple and have raised 7 children together.) A few weeks ago, my husband and I spent time together in two temples with extended family and he currently serves in a branch presidency. Our love is stronger than it has ever been. We are truly one. My one plea to anyone who is in the middle of this trial is: Don't give up! It can get better.

When I took my daughter in to the doctor this summer to try to find some type of medication to ease her symptoms, I told the doctor what I thought her problem was. He listed some symptoms of BP-II and the length of time most people suffer from the disease before obtaining a correct diagnosis. Most people with BP II have it for 15 years before it is diagnosed and go through 2 to 3 failed relationships. I thought at the time that this sounded about right. I diagnosed my husband. He has yet to find a doctor or counselor who has been helpful, and he has never been correctly medicated. He currently controls his condition by learned behavioral techniques, awareness of symptoms, self control of thoughts, and self monitoring of mood swings. As a spouse of a BP personality. I feel like I have gone through at least 3 personalities myself. These personalities correlated with stages I went through: the innocent optimistic stage, the surprise and shock stage, the why does this keep happening stage, the grim determination stage, the somebody help me, I'm not going to survive this stage, and the recognition and recovery stage. Hopefully these stages will take you less time to go through than they have for us. For my daughter, early recognition and treatment have made a huge difference.

Kirby) I often think the biggest problem with finding competent doctors to help is the arrogance of the doctors themselves. If the patient is fairly intelligent, especially a logical thinker, he/she can out-think the so-called specialists at every turn, using the same words/phrases the doctors use to rationalize or cover up the root problems, eg. stating that he/she was overly tired, had been working too long supporting everyone else, and letting it come to a head. Another specific instance I recall is when a psychologist told me he “now understands why you have difficulties in interviews”, but he never elaborated, not in that session, or any subsequent session. If you have the answer (at least in your own mind), shouldn’t it be shared with the afflicted? At least, that’s my (logical) thinking.

This is Shauna's blog spot: http://www.u2qm.blogspot.com