Bring It On Home

Little Big Town

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here.

I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind
Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away
You got someone here wants to make it alright

Someone who loves you more than life right here

Binding Powers

Sister Lemke reported on her mission to upstate New York today in Sacrament Meeting.  From the time she started speaking, I felt that the spirit was trying to send me a message.  It was like he was telling me, "pay attention, you need to learn something!"  As she started speaking I recalled myself at the same point in my life, just returning home from my mission in Japan.  I remembered what it felt like to be at that place and I remembered who I was at that time.  I thought that I, like Sister Lemke, had done my best to serve an honorable mission and I felt that I, like her, was worthy, prepared, and capable of proceeding from that point of my life to make important next steps.

I specifically desired after returning home, to find a husband and to get married and start a family.  I had a lot of friends and I was very happy.  I had a good life--but as I started to focus on completing school, what I wanted more than anything else, was to move into my next role of wife and mother.  I felt certain that the Lord would soon fulfill the promise that  he had made to me in my patriarchal blessing: to be a mother in Zion, and I felt that there was a young man who was looking for me, as I was looking for him, so that we could create a family together.

Sister Lemke mentioned during her talk that she was taught in the MTC that through obedience and diligence that we "bind the Lord."  "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say."  She said that her teacher asked the missionaries to write a list of things that they would like to learn or accomplish while serving a mission and that he told them they could expect to receive these blessings if they were obedient and served faithfully while they were on their missions.  She said that on her list, she had aimed well short of the blessings she had actually gained from serving the Lord.

I realized that without specifically labeling or recognizing it as such, that I had done something like this myself.  I had basically gone to the Lord after serving my mission expecting him to grant me the desires of my heart and expecting that he would help me find a worthy man to marry.  I laid out to him my offering of service and obedience and explained my readiness and worthiness, and I fully expected my prayer of faith to be answered. I started earnestly praying for this to happen in October or November; and I met Kirby in December.  I "recognized" him immediately as someone I "knew,"  and after only a few weeks spending time together, we both agreed that we loved each other, and that we should make plans to build a forever future by getting married in the temple and having children together.

I realized during Sister Lemke's talk that I had proceeded at that time based on the principle of "binding" the Lord to help me achieve my righteous desires.  I realized that the spiritual message that I was receiving today was a reminder and confirmation of that experience from my past, and that it came as an added  reassurance to me that I had been acting at that time on the inspiration of the spirit. I have seen this sort of system of binding the Lord work in other matters in my life.  Of course, we are not perfect, and we cannot make demands of the Lord like spoiled children, but if we are being obedient and doing the best we can to follow the Lord, we can expect that our most heart felt desires and sincere prayers will be answered by Him, sometimes in miraculous ways.

Sometimes miracles happen over time, and we don't always recognize them for what they are, but when we look back, we can often recognize that a blessing has been recieved, and the spirit can confirm that this is true.  I think that this happened today for me.

I am intrigued to see Bethany following in the same steps I took at her age, as Caryn did as well.  I can see that as each of them have prepared to and in Caryn's case, have served  missions, they have and are expecting and mentally and emotionally preparing to make next steps and move into that next important role in their lives--marriage.  I see my children following in paths that I have walked, and I realize that life is made up of a series of actions and influences.  Positive actions and examples can leave trails for others to follow, even when you are not aware at the time that you are making a path.

I can see so many things that are imperfect about myself and my life, but I have learned one thing, that if you  endeavor to be in the right place at the right time, that the Lord will then grant to you that which is required for you to fill the role you are trying to fill.  He has and is preparing a way before us, we just have to trust Him, so he can direct us and we need to follow that direction when it comes through the spirit of revelation.

I struggle daily to find ways to prioritize my roles and desires, to extend my energy and strength, and to find wisdom to cover more--better.  Everything takes time, but time is not malleable.   What can I do to make time more effective?

Yesterday I was out in my garden.  I have struggled over the past several years to create a flower garden that would self perpetuate. . .a perennial garden of flowers and shrubs that would give me joy, as I have always found joy in the beauty of flowers.  My yard has suffered from neglect caused by business, and from the abuse of dogs, and from the need for added enrichment to a clay based stubborn soil; but yesterday, I walked out into my somewhat neglected backyard and found that my flowering bushes were loaded with blossoms.  Over the past 7 years, many of my plants have succumbed to the obstacles of living in my backyard and have withered away; but there are other, seemingly hardier strains, that are still there.  These plants that have endured are bigger, and stronger and more established than ever before.  They give me joy, and I realize that my life is like my yard.  It isn't necessarily neat and orderly nor is it always well tended.  There are some holes dug in my lawn. The wind has broken some gates.  The dogs have bitten off my sprinkler heads, and a bit  of grass has crept into my flower beds.  There are even some weeds with stubborn root systems which are proving difficult to remove from my perennial flower garden; but in spite of all the imperfections and flaws--the years of inconsistent but continued effort to overcome these challenges has resulted in a harvest of sorts.  Some of those more stubborn and hardy varieties of flowers have made progress despite the obstacles, and I find their blooming to be beautiful and sweet.  They give me joy, and provide beauty to my world as I see them blossom in my life.

Thus I find that time is not only my frustration. . .it is also my friend, for as it passes I have the opportunity to gather blossoms and rest in the shade of trees I have planted. This has happened, of course, between pruning back branches and pulling out weeds, but it has happened.  Why?  Because I made an effort to plant something in the first place, and because I stuck with it long enough to see it grow.

That's how life works--at least for me.

Easter musings

It's been a quiet day today.
I have been thinking about some things.
I like it when I have some time to contemplate and ponder. I haven't decided if this time is useful, or if I could be using time more wisely, but it is what I tend to do none the less.
There have been a lot of ideas rattling around in my head over the last few days, so I am not quite sure where to start from.

I walked around part of the cemetery in Santaquin while I was there. I saw some names of people I once knew on the gravestones there. I thought it strange to think that the only place they had left to claim was that small plot of land that their remains rested in. I thought that they would now care little about the things they once owned, but that their family was something of themselves that continued here that they would ever be watching over.

I went back to "Embraced by the Light" today and looked up a part that I was trying to remember. Eadie said in her book, that as pre-earth spirits we had specific qualities we needed or wanted to develop while here on earth. She explained that certain people in our lives are there to support us in our goals and that other people are given physical or circumstantial challenges to help themselves and others to grow. She said that sometimes very strong spirits are given short lives or physical challenges because they themselves need to grow very little, but the people around them are able to experience growth through overcoming trials they may provide or through helping them and can learn of charity through service or compassion.

She said that the greatest things that we need to learn on this earth are to love and serve each other and to love and accept Christ, who is the door through which we all will return to our heavenly home. She explained that the physical elements of this life were not seen as important before we came here, instead the main focus was on the spiritual lessons we planned to learn or attributes we intended to develop.

Eadie explained that there were relationships that we had built over long periods of time between ourselves and other spirits before we came to earth, and that there were spirits that we aligned with as families or friends--agreeing to help each other achieve certain goals or work out an intended mission while here on earth.

I also read Brother Holland's talk, The Laborers in the Vineyard, today. That was such a powerful talk. I resonated to the message of that talk. It doesn't matter when we get there, or how fast we travel, or what road we take to build faith in our Savior and choose to labor in his vineyard. It just matters that we join the labor force before the harvest is over.

When Kirby left to do contract work in Iraq, I had a sort of Pandora's box that opened up in my mind and heart. It was a box full of hidden things in my psyche that I had shoved in and closed the lid on and would never look at or let out because of the fears and doubts lurking with them. The pains and regrets and disappointments that had been locked up and buried and covered over through time poured out of that box and I found that I had to do something with them. I had to deal with the stuff that was in there. I had to take those things out and look at them, and feel them, and understand why they were there. I had to confront them. The box couldn't be closed or buried any more.

The first year he was gone, I was obsessed with dealing with all of those things. My mind dwelt on them all of the time. Finally there came a time when I started to understand that all of the difficult experiences I went through in my life, were things that were designed for me to learn from. That I had made choices that had taught me lessons. That I had endured trials and taken paths that helped me grow, and that I now had the potential to help others to grow. I didn't need to fear my past, or regret it, or to feel pain from it any more. I just needed to recognize and allow Christ to heal me and make me whole again. I needed to let all of those scary, hidden, ideas melt away into the past, and I only needed to remember and keep the faith that grew from those trials, and the understanding that I had acquired through experiencing them, so that I could know, and help others to understand how spiritual and emotional healing occurs.

Today in Sunday School we had a lesson on Enos. The teacher was trying to emphasize how long Enos prayed and how he heard a voice and he was pointing out that this was a somewhat unusual experience. I made the comment that I didn't think it was unusual at all. That each of us, just like Enos, has things to overcome in our lives, whether it be grief from loosing a loved one, or the pain from sin, or abuse, or illness. We all have burdens that we have to cast upon the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that only through Jesus Christ can we be relieved of these burdens and be healed.

A sister came up to me after the block of meetings and said "You really get it don't you? I want to get it like you do." I told her to come over sometime, and we'd talk. She is a single mother with three kids. One of them is in my Laurel's class and spends a lot of time at our house with Becci. We have talked a few times before. She was a missionary once too. Her husband ended up in jail years ago, I'm not sure why. One of her sons has anger management issues, the other has moved out and is living with another family because his brother beat him up badly. She is working hard to support herself and her kids and dealing with a lot of past baggage along the way. I believe that as members of the church, dealing with the loss of "the dream" is a big deal. We all want our happy ever after ending. We feel cheated when something happens to sour that result, and we look to put the blame on ourselves or others. We become disillusioned and disappointed with what we find is our lot. Sometimes that disappointment is harder to deal with than the actual labor involved in managing such results.

I was made aware, while in Santaquin, that Chad Rowley is going to be a mission president. I am happy for him. All of those boys I knew growing up-- they have made something of themselves. I am proud to have known them. I am glad that I can look at their successes today and not feel badly about being at a somewhat different place along the trail. I can be glad for people's successes. I can realize that lives don't always follow a previously imagined route.

We may be skipping along the yellow brick road, but we must remember that part of the journey involves overcoming the obstacles placed along the pathway, helping others along the trail, and that we may end up getting side tracked by phony wizards at times. We may have to melt wicked witches to get back to the intended goal, and at the end of our story, we may indeed find that we've had the power with us all the time to get to where we want to go--home.

To Kirby,

It was interesting to go visit Lori. George is home and doing so much better. He still has dialysis every other day, but his systems seem to be repairing. He is back to work part time, though he is being careful and is still weak. He came out to talk to me, but couldn't stand too long and had to go back to bed after a bit. He was grateful for everything people had done for him. I think has come to realize how much he matters to people, and that he has a purpose to be here, otherwise he literally would be gone.

Apparently the most notable change, according to his family, is his change of heart. Nothing like almost dying to make someone learn to appreciate the value of their life and loved ones I guess. He has become more gentle and kind, and their family seems to be happy and at peace. That is a great blessing.
I stood in Lori's little house, which was literally full of people, Kyndra and Landon and their two little ones, Erika and a couple of friends, one of George's girls,Tae, Meagan, Becci, and I and Lori and George were all in Lori's front room, and it didn't seem crowded at all. It just felt happy and right.

We have so many blessings, the gospel, our families, literally our lives, our health, our ability to love and be loved. I am grateful for my privilege to have the chance to live and to have such an amazing family--two families, or three. My family, your family, and our family together. What great people we have the chance to be connected to!

I got to hold Lori's new grandson. He is at home too and doing well. It is always such a peaceful thing to hold a newborn. They are so calming. It seems like we may have crisis in our lives when we need to grow--or when we need to learn great lessons that make us grow, and that shift our focus to the things that really matter.

I am so grateful for you and to you. I feel privileged to be the one to be yours and to join with you to make a life and a family together. I feel that you are such a mighty soul. You have and are overcoming such amazing obstacles and have passed difficult tests. You are becoming a mighty being, and I get to spend eternity with you. I am excited at the prospects of our eternal future together.

I love you,
Sherri

Bethany's National Merit Scholarship Application essay

I laugh as I read this writing prompt, because I am not sure whether my father, Kirby Crowley, is my greatest influence, or the obstacle I have overcome. He is the most intelligent man I know--the strongest. He is also Manic Depressive.

As his daughter, I built up a psychological hardiness as I lived through his rages and depressions. Experience with his disorder gave me emotional intelligence and a thicker skin than most. I learned to smile even when I was falling down. A sense of humor is a great tool when facing adversity and I know that from experience.

Kirby Crowley is also a genius. My attention to detail and perfectionist tendencies were inherited from him. He can do everything from engineering to interrogation to teaching. As far as I can remember, he trained my siblings and me to think independently. If we had a problem, he often refused to give us the solution outright. "Figure it out," he would tell us, "Don't say 'I don't know', because you do, so figure it out." This frustrated me when I was younger, until I realized that he had taught me valuable problem solving skills.

This man is someone I can not help but love. In contrast to the memories of him putting holes in the walls are tender recollections--such as when I had bronchitis and could not breathe and he wrapped the two of us in a blanket and we sat on the porch in the cold air. He may not be the best at saying "I love you," but it shows in his sacrifices and it is in his voice when he says he is proud of me.

I can truly say that I am who I am today because of my father, Kirby Crowley.

An Answer to Prayer

About 2001, Kirby and I were living in Las Vegas.  Kirby was working for Marshall Sylver, a hypnotist and motivational speaker.  He was doing bookkeeping for Marshall's company.

Kirby had been through a series of employers over the preceding years, and had recently closed a joint business venture that had died a sad death.  He had been teaching and running a satellite school for Universal Accounting Center, which was based in Salt Lake City.  That experience had been really emotionally and financially difficult for us, but especially for Kirby.  We had had such high hopes for the school's success, and he had worked so hard, but it had not been successful for reasons unique to LasVegas and their policies on schools of that type.

Prior to our move to Las Vegas, Kirby had gone through several other jobs, partly due to a bad economy, partly due to stresses which triggered Kirby;s bipolar mood disorder.  Kirby's bi-polar was rapid cycling by this time and he was really struggling with depression and anxiety.  This was regularly manifest in angry outbursts and impulsive behavior.  He had distanced himself from the church, and was distancing himself from me and others.  He was struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses.

My bishop had suggested that I go to the temple once a week to help me cope with my situation better.  I am afraid that though I tried on several occasions, I only remember going once.  It was very difficult for me to attend the temple at this time, because, since we had become a couple, even from before we were married, Kirby and I had always gone together to the temple.  We had often been invited to be the witness couple while there, so much so early on in our relationship that it happened almost every time we went.  This day when I went to the temple in the afternoon, the session was almost empty, and I was asked to participate as a witness with another brother who was there.  This was really hard for me to do under the circumstances.  After the ceremony, I went into the celestial room and prayed.

I was concerned that Kirby was so bitter and angry about life and circumstances as to be unwilling to live up to the covenants that we had made together in the Lord's house, and I was not sure when we would be able to come to the temple again as a couple, if ever.  In the holy house of the Lord, I prayed for comfort and strength, and for the direction I should go.  I prayed for Kirby.  At that time, I was given an assurance, that if I was patient, at a later time, that Kirby would be there in the temple with me again.

That promise took some years to be fulfilled.  In October of 2010, Kirby and I went to the Logan temple together.  It was the first time we had entered the temple together in about 10 years.

In an interesting twist, in February of 2011, Kirby and I made plans to go through the temple with his parents, and we had intended to go to the Saint George temple, but since it was closed for cleaning, we went instead to the Las Vegas temple.  When I entered the celestial room that day, Kirby was sitting there waiting for me on the same couch upon which I had prayed years before.  It was the first time we had ever gone to the LasVegas temple together, even though we had lived only a couple of miles from it for about 6 years.

I was able to tell Kirby about my experience praying for him there while we were sitting  in the same celestial room and in the same place where I had received my answer, "be patient, and he will be with you here in the celestial room again".  I have felt that I needed to record this experience, as it was a great witness to me of the importance of patience, and the eventual exact answering of prayers.  So as imperfect a record as this is, here it stands, as a witness to the answering of my prayer.