Easter musings

It's been a quiet day today.
I have been thinking about some things.
I like it when I have some time to contemplate and ponder. I haven't decided if this time is useful, or if I could be using time more wisely, but it is what I tend to do none the less.
There have been a lot of ideas rattling around in my head over the last few days, so I am not quite sure where to start from.

I walked around part of the cemetery in Santaquin while I was there. I saw some names of people I once knew on the gravestones there. I thought it strange to think that the only place they had left to claim was that small plot of land that their remains rested in. I thought that they would now care little about the things they once owned, but that their family was something of themselves that continued here that they would ever be watching over.

I went back to "Embraced by the Light" today and looked up a part that I was trying to remember. Eadie said in her book, that as pre-earth spirits we had specific qualities we needed or wanted to develop while here on earth. She explained that certain people in our lives are there to support us in our goals and that other people are given physical or circumstantial challenges to help themselves and others to grow. She said that sometimes very strong spirits are given short lives or physical challenges because they themselves need to grow very little, but the people around them are able to experience growth through overcoming trials they may provide or through helping them and can learn of charity through service or compassion.

She said that the greatest things that we need to learn on this earth are to love and serve each other and to love and accept Christ, who is the door through which we all will return to our heavenly home. She explained that the physical elements of this life were not seen as important before we came here, instead the main focus was on the spiritual lessons we planned to learn or attributes we intended to develop.

Eadie explained that there were relationships that we had built over long periods of time between ourselves and other spirits before we came to earth, and that there were spirits that we aligned with as families or friends--agreeing to help each other achieve certain goals or work out an intended mission while here on earth.

I also read Brother Holland's talk, The Laborers in the Vineyard, today. That was such a powerful talk. I resonated to the message of that talk. It doesn't matter when we get there, or how fast we travel, or what road we take to build faith in our Savior and choose to labor in his vineyard. It just matters that we join the labor force before the harvest is over.

When Kirby left to do contract work in Iraq, I had a sort of Pandora's box that opened up in my mind and heart. It was a box full of hidden things in my psyche that I had shoved in and closed the lid on and would never look at or let out because of the fears and doubts lurking with them. The pains and regrets and disappointments that had been locked up and buried and covered over through time poured out of that box and I found that I had to do something with them. I had to deal with the stuff that was in there. I had to take those things out and look at them, and feel them, and understand why they were there. I had to confront them. The box couldn't be closed or buried any more.

The first year he was gone, I was obsessed with dealing with all of those things. My mind dwelt on them all of the time. Finally there came a time when I started to understand that all of the difficult experiences I went through in my life, were things that were designed for me to learn from. That I had made choices that had taught me lessons. That I had endured trials and taken paths that helped me grow, and that I now had the potential to help others to grow. I didn't need to fear my past, or regret it, or to feel pain from it any more. I just needed to recognize and allow Christ to heal me and make me whole again. I needed to let all of those scary, hidden, ideas melt away into the past, and I only needed to remember and keep the faith that grew from those trials, and the understanding that I had acquired through experiencing them, so that I could know, and help others to understand how spiritual and emotional healing occurs.

Today in Sunday School we had a lesson on Enos. The teacher was trying to emphasize how long Enos prayed and how he heard a voice and he was pointing out that this was a somewhat unusual experience. I made the comment that I didn't think it was unusual at all. That each of us, just like Enos, has things to overcome in our lives, whether it be grief from loosing a loved one, or the pain from sin, or abuse, or illness. We all have burdens that we have to cast upon the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that only through Jesus Christ can we be relieved of these burdens and be healed.

A sister came up to me after the block of meetings and said "You really get it don't you? I want to get it like you do." I told her to come over sometime, and we'd talk. She is a single mother with three kids. One of them is in my Laurel's class and spends a lot of time at our house with Becci. We have talked a few times before. She was a missionary once too. Her husband ended up in jail years ago, I'm not sure why. One of her sons has anger management issues, the other has moved out and is living with another family because his brother beat him up badly. She is working hard to support herself and her kids and dealing with a lot of past baggage along the way. I believe that as members of the church, dealing with the loss of "the dream" is a big deal. We all want our happy ever after ending. We feel cheated when something happens to sour that result, and we look to put the blame on ourselves or others. We become disillusioned and disappointed with what we find is our lot. Sometimes that disappointment is harder to deal with than the actual labor involved in managing such results.

I was made aware, while in Santaquin, that Chad Rowley is going to be a mission president. I am happy for him. All of those boys I knew growing up-- they have made something of themselves. I am proud to have known them. I am glad that I can look at their successes today and not feel badly about being at a somewhat different place along the trail. I can be glad for people's successes. I can realize that lives don't always follow a previously imagined route.

We may be skipping along the yellow brick road, but we must remember that part of the journey involves overcoming the obstacles placed along the pathway, helping others along the trail, and that we may end up getting side tracked by phony wizards at times. We may have to melt wicked witches to get back to the intended goal, and at the end of our story, we may indeed find that we've had the power with us all the time to get to where we want to go--home.