Brigham City Temple dedication

Such an amazing experience.  We got to go to the temple dedication for the Brigham City Temple.  It was so interesting.  Entering the chapel was like entering the temple.  There was a video showing rooms of the temple and organ music playing.  Everyone was quiet.  We slept in, so we went to the last of three sessions, at 3:00.  It was nice, because very few people were there, and we got to sit in the front of the chapel.  There was such a marvelous spirit there.  President Packer was the main speaker, and he was clearly deeply moved by being there.  He and his wife were from Brigham City and grew up just blocks away from the temple site.  I don't so much remember the things that were said, I mainly remember the spirit I felt.  It was so strong.  The music was beautiful.  The dedication prayer was moving.  I went with Bethany, Meagan, Becci, Caryn and Sammy.  Great day!

It makes me feel hopeful and it makes me understand God's love and power to a greater degree, I am impressed that God the Father is in charge, that His work is rolling forth, and that no power of darkness will stop the influence of light and truth which is spreading through out the world.  Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth, Peace, Good will toward men.  The spirit of God like a fire IS burning, the Latter Day glory, begins to shine forth.

My Baby Loves Me Just the Way That I Am

So Kirby and I were having a facebook chat the other day. It started because my neice, Kyndra's husband just up and decided he didn't want to be married any more, this after having 2 sons under 3 years old and with no warning to his wife. He just "doesn't love her anymore." So with that and 9-11 in my head I wrote this comment to Kirby over my breakfast cereal:

Sherri Crowley
Good morning my hero. Hero: a person who sacrifices self interest for the interest of others. There are so few heroes out there today. . .All daddies used to be heroes, but not anymore. It's a sad commentary on our society to note that selfishness seems to be the governing factor in so many people's lives and philosophies. No wonder people no longer look to Christ as an example. He just makes them look really bad!
There I go again. . . Oh, well, there's my thought of the day. . .

7:23am
Kirby Crowley
A good thought it is. A hero also needs something/someone to be heroic about/for... Just sayin'

8:56am
Sherri Crowley
Meaning?
Kirby Crowley
That without a cause, there is no fight.
Sherri Crowley
Do you think more people need to have a cause? Or that the cause is less compelling today? Or is it just a general observation?

I think this is a really interesting comment, that is why I'm asking questions. It opens up a lot of cross dialogue. I wonder if men and women have differing fundamental expectations of gender roles and responsibilities and what their different drivers are. Could we figure out ways to fix the causal factors of abandonment if we knew the motives that made men stand and defend instead of get disgusted and leave.

So then I went online and found some articles on men and relationships and I sent a link to Kirby:
http://www.topdatingtips.com/what-men-want.htm
And he wrote me back:
You don't have to understand men to understand me, and the only thing you need to understand about me is that I will do anything to protect you and the kids and to make your lives as comfortable as I can. Yes, I do like to be listened to, but that is not my motivator.

So bottom line, Kirby's motivator is me and our family. How humbling and amazing is that? What a great man I have. I love him and am so comforted by the fact that he is there for me in every way he can be. I feel deeply moved and my understanding of great men and the women who love them has taken on a new dimension of understanding.

My Wolves

It's been tough the last few weeks.
I've been feeling the gap.
We were talking about self control today in YWs and Shauna commented that there is an old Indian legend about two wolves.  A boy was describing the inner conflict between good and evil influences inside himself as having two wolves fighting for control of his actions.  He asked the wise chief how to insure that the good wolf would win out, and the chief said the wolf that will win is the one that you feed.
Perhaps I have been feeding the wrong wolf lately.

What am I talking about?
I miss Kirby.
I miss the time we could be spending together.
I miss the influences that he would have on our family if he were here to make them.
I miss the influences that he would have on me, and the strength I would gain from being with him.
I miss his physical presence, his touch, his physical strength and ability.

I see other couples being together, and I wonder why my life is different than theirs.  Why I have this challenge that others do not have.

It is silly to feed this wolf.  This wolf will devour me if I let it, so I know to shut it down, and silence it most of the time.  But there are days when I feel it's hunger, and it's yellow eyes watching me.  Sometimes I pity it and let it come close.  We cry together, and howl at the August moon, and we wait for winter and crisp January days.  It is not so far away.

I learned years ago that distance is not measured in miles.  It is measured in time.

Joy cometh in the morning

Have you ever read Hosea?

We have a stake president, President Hollest, who is about 35 years old. He is a seminary teacher, which probably explains partly his powerful way of teaching with the spirit and deep knowledge of the scriptures. He teaches from his heart, and from his life oft times. We had the opportunity to be taught by he and his wife at Laurel's conference. Both of them gave powerful lessons, but it was during President Hollest's lesson that something of a spiritual nature happened for me. I'm not sure I can explain it fully, but this is basically what happened.

He opened by saying that he was going to speak on something that was different than what he was assigned to speak on. He then said that the Holy Ghost would be there to teach us things that he didn't say, that those impressions from the spirit would be direct revelation to us from the spirit, so he told us to listen for the lessons that the spirit would teach us. He talked about how Heavenly Father loves us, His children, and that He reveals Himself to us often, and if we are watching for them, that we can see His tender mercies in our lives. He likened this attribute of our Heavenly Father to an experience he had playing hide and seek with his young children. President Hollest said that when he first started playing hide and seek with his kids that he would hide well, so he could win-- but because he was so much better at hiding than they were, that they couldn't find him at all and they would give up. So he learned to hide less well. He would hide, but then he would leave some fingers or toes sticking out, so his children could find him. He said that God was like that, that he wasn't hiding Himself from us very well. That He would always leave some of His fingers or toes showing for us to find Him in our lives. He wants you to find Him, President Hollest said.

Then he went on to open with verses from Hosea about a noble man whose father had given him an impure wife to marry. He explained how she would adorn herself to go out and pursue other men and how she would seek their pleasant gifts to her. President Hollest asked us to imagine being in the position of this pure man, who kept receiving back to himself this unfaithful woman, who at last decides to go back to her faithful husband. When she returned to him, he would forgive her and take her back to him.

He was describing this in such a way as to make it seem real to us, and I'm sure to many there that it was a story that they could imagine, but to me--it was real. I knew what it would feel like to be that husband, to have a spouse that repeatedly made seriously harmful choices, but to whom I would offer forgiveness multiple times. I felt the pain of the story, because it was a familiar weight, and I couldn't figure out why President Hollest was speaking to us on this subject, and why the spirit was bringing back into my memory so clearly the feeling of these experiences.

Then President Hollest explained that the story was a parable, and that the husband was a symbol of Christ, and that the wife was the children of Israel who kept going after false Gods instead of staying faithful to the Lord, who had blessed them and delivered them. Of course he then drew the parallel to ourselves and how much Jesus loves us and will forgive us when we return to him, but how we should always try to be faithful and do the things that will bring us closer to Him.

During this time, I was strongly reminded of a poem that I learned in the MTC, by Carol Lynn Pearson. I don't have a copy anymore, but as I remember it it went like this:

Forgive
Will I forgive you cry?
But what is the gift, the favor?
You would lift me up to stand beside the Savior,
You would have me see with His eyes
Smile and with Him reach out to lift a sufferer up.
Forgive, will I forgive you cry?
May I?
Oh, May I?

The spirit taught me something during this lesson, that no one else there heard, and that no one else understood. He taught me something that President Hollest didn't say, and I can't fully explain this lesson in words either, but "my joy", at that moment "was as exquisite as was my pain." and I was given a glimpse of the lesson I had been meant to learn through my earlier experiences, and a reason why I had experienced them.

Our theme for Laurel's conference was: "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." This experience was my personal lesson, to help me better know and understand Christ.

Kirby always quotes: Men are that they might have joy.

Must we then, experiencing opposition in all things, experience pain to understand joy? I do not truly know the answer to this, but in my life, they seem to be connected. Birth, Marriage, Death, Life, Family, Gospel. . .all of these things seem to present themselves with joy and pain grasping hands--existing together.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

I have come to know and understand that many lessons in this life involve sacrifice and pain.  It is just the way things are.  If I am to have a child, for instance, I must sacrifice my vanity and loose my figure. I must endure physical discomfort and awkwardness for an extended period of time.  Next, I must go through labor and delivery, which involves more pain.  Finally, I receive a great outpouring of love and joy when I complete that process, and am presented with my child.  But this is not the end, for with that child comes decades of service, trial and error, happiness and frustration, joy and pain.  The same can be said for so many other worthy pursuits and expected experiences in life.

We should not be surprised or feel betrayed when we have painful experiences in this life.  I know that the tendency is to suffer both of those reactions, but we must reach out to our Heavenly Father, who can comfort us and strengthen us.  This makes me think of childhood vaccinations.  You take a baby or young child in to the doctor for vaccinations and your trusting child, who thinks of you as a source of comfort and peace, all of the sudden, at your insistence, experiences pain.  The surprise and shock in their eyes followed by tears and sadness makes a visual for me of what we experience throughout our lives when our Father in Heaven allows us to suffer painful experiences.  We, the trusting child, experience shock and sadness.  We may not understand why we are made to suffer so, but just as a mother knows that the vaccination has power to protect her child for a long time, and that the child's suffering will only last a moment, so our Heavenly Father must realize that our trials and sorrows can act as a learning and growing time for us.  The pain will fade away, but the lesson learned will fortify our defenses and increase our understanding and knowledge from that time on, if we trust in Him and learn faith and endurance from the things we suffer, as He intends for us to do.

Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.

May we ever endure and wait for that blessed dawn, is my prayer,
in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Attachment Bonds

I have been doing some research on emotional attachment. As this is something that significantly effects all of us in our lives and in our most intimate relationships with others, I thought I would share what I have learned with you. As Michael and Shantel adopt a child, this will be good information to know, also for each of you, as you begin to find romantic partners, you should know how powerful these bonds are, and how they are formed. Good luck navigating the relationship jungle. . . :). Love is a wonderful and essential part of our lives, but it really helps to understand what is driving us. This e-mail contains bits and pieces of things I have collected or commented on over several days. It may seem a bit patched together. Hopefully you can make connections to your own circumstances and experiences that will help to create meaning for you. So please--read on:

This is where it started for me: the question that was in my mind today was: What is that invisible thread that connects us to certain people in our lives? What things cause such a thread to develop? What makes those threads dissolve or dissipate?

I was wondering what I could use to describe the concept I had in my mind to others and I wondered if it was a phenomenon that was unique to a specific type of person, or if it would be universal for everyone.

I remember my mother talking about her experience with a similar invisible thread. This occurred when she was emotionally letting go of her children--the proverbial cutting of the apron strings I suppose. After suffering some years of deep concern and pain on her part due to the choices of her children. (Mom had carried these burdens so long and so personally that she felt she needed a release from the feeling of responsibility for her children's actions.) She said that she was in the Celestial Room praying about it when she was basically "disconnected" or given a kind of psychic release from her children. She said it was a very visceral experience like strings of light being broken, "pop, pop, pop." I remember her using those words.

I realized that the first invisible thread that connects us to another person is our emotional tie to our parents, but more especially to our mothers. I well remember my experience as a young mother as I was minding to the needs of small children. There was a constant physical, mental, and emotional checking in that occurred each moment of the day that forged an almost tangible line between myself and my children. I was constantly aware of where they were and I was always sensing for their needs. As they got older, my kids would try to sneak up on me when I was sleeping at night, but I could always sense their presence in the room, and I would ask them what they needed without even opening my eyes. They thought this was weird, but it was just something I could do. When I had an infant sleeping in my room, I would always wake up when they started squirming around in the bassinet because I knew that they were hungry, I would almost always pick them up before they really started to cry so they wouldn't wake Kirby up in the night.

I found upon looking for information on emotional bonding that the research upon this subject is quite extensive and validates the concept that emotional ties are very vital to our psychological well being and our eventual success with human relationships. It is sobering to know how formative those first relationships are and how elemental. Here is a quote:

For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic

Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:

feel safe, develop meaningful connections with others, explore our world, deal with stress, balance emotions, experience comfort and security, make sense of our lives, create positive memories and expectations of relationships. Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:
Proximity Maintenance - The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
Safe Haven - Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
Secure Base - The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
Separation Distress - Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

This article goes on to relate the relationship between the attachment bonds we have as infants and our ability to form meaningful relationships later in life.

The study of attachment bonds later in life mainly focuses on couples. Successful couple relationships have to have certain elements to be secure and healthy. These are described as:

the ability to:
manage stress
stay “tuned in” with emotions
use communicative body language
be playful in a mutually engaging manner
be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges

Infants form an attachment to caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic attachment. Adults form a deep emotional attachment based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep attachment to that person. Once an attachment is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

Not only that, but it can be difficult to end a relationship, even a bad relationship, because people experience tremendous loss when attachments come to an end.

I am feeling like these attachment relationships are so foundational, that disruptions in them--like the death of a family member, or disloyalty of a spouse, cause us to flounder a bit in our sense of security. Finding a way to put ourselves back into a "secure" position is pretty important, but not always easily accomplished. This is what I have learned:

Attachment relationships appear to be of special importance for the maintenance of feelings of security, just as relationships of community appear to be of special importance for goal attainment. The loss of any attachment relationship would seem to lead to separation protest, one aspect of which is a sense of helplessness and fear. The presence of attachment, on the other hand, buffers what could otherwise be devastating events. In adults as well as in children, attachments appear to be relationships critical to continuing security and so to the maintenance of emotional stability. --Colin Murray Parkes, Atachment Across the Life Cycle.

Bowlby defined attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (1969, p.194).

A person who does not have a secure attachment bond as a child will not be able to manage relationships as naturally. This will effect a person's relationships during their lifetime. The identified classes of attachment types are: secure, anxious, and dismissing. Secure attachments are the type I have already described. Here are descriptions of the other two: Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; you can’t love them enough, or be close enough to them, and they constantly monitor their relationships for problems. Ironically, their need for love, makes it easy for anxious individuals to be taken advantage of when it comes to love and romance, which in the long run can create even more suspicion and doubt.

Finally, people who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners. As adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they actually fear it. They do not like it when people get close, and they don’t like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them.Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities than their relationships. They also get easily annoyed with their relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward their loved.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of love that suggests that there are three components of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For example, a combination of intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love, while a combination of passion and intimacy leads to passionate love.

According to Sternberg, relationships built on two or more elements are more enduring that those based upon a single component. Sternberg uses the term consummate love to describe a combination of intimacy, passion and commitment. While this type of love is the strongest and most enduring, Sternberg suggests that this type of love is rare.

I guess my marriage is rare for a couple of researched reasons. I think that Kirby and I started out with love at first sight, which moved into passionate love, and at this point I'm quite confident that we have attained consummate love--Maybe consummate love just needs a little more time and effort than the other kinds--that seems likely--if you keep working on it, I think you master it. That seems like a good reason to tough out the tough times, to keep working out the kinks, and to stay in it for the long haul.

So to revisit my original question: What is that invisible thread that connects us to certain people in our lives? What things cause such a thread to develop? What makes those threads dissolve or dissipate?

I've got the answer to all of my questions now:
The invisible thread that connects us to certain people in our lives: this is an attachment bond.
The things that cause such a thread to develop: are physical contact (cuddling), intimacy (sharing personal feelings and thoughts), and compassion (caring for the other person as much as you do for yourself.)
What makes those threads dissolve or dissipate: Security. Security allows the child--or adult to venture out, using the attachment bond as a home base, and to become independent or self reliant. New attachment bonds may then be created that become primary over the old bonds as in the parent child bond becoming secondary to the spouse bond.

There is a natural tension between attachment and independence. It seems to correlate with the opposition in all things idea. We crave independence and need to be independent, but we are also biologically programmed to develop attachment bonds. Knowing both of these things, we may want to be careful. Attachment bonds, once created are not easily escaped--and if not developed can leave us feeling insecure and vulnerable--they can effect our actions and reactions to people in our lives.

Just thought I'd share the knowledge--You might want to ponder on the implications in your own lives, or even do some more research on the subject. I'd be happy to share some of the articles I found most helpful.

My grateful note

Every day, I look into the mirror and say to myself--"You're a beautiful woman."

I am living my happily ever after. I can see it. I believe we all fight for the place where I am at. I have learned that life is long--so we learn to endure the bad days, cause after they're over, there is always a sunrise, or a rainbow. I really believe this. I believe that God loves us, and that if we demonstrate our belief in that love, that all the rest is less important. This life's purpose is to develop character and faith. We need trials. If we hadn't needed them Adam wouldn't have fallen, Satan would not have been allowed to remain here, and Christ would have had much less to suffer for.

I am married to a hero. I am his "favorite." He is doing amazing things. Every day he sacrifices so much for me--to provide for my needs and he also makes significant contributions to his work. He and I can be silent together, we can talk about things, we agree about the big things, and we have learned to "not sweat the small stuff." There's a lot of small stuff, but there are only a few really important things, and we have learned what they are. We love to spend time together. Time-- it has become so precious--so precious. I have lost patience for women who complain about their husbands. I have learned that there is so much to appreciate in what men do for their families, that there is seldom justification in our complaining about what they may not do as well. I have learned to love my man freely, and I have learned that he will do almost anything for that love and affirmation. Men are cool like that. I didn't always see this fully. Now I do.

As for kids. My kids may do some dumb things, they may not choose what I would have them choose all the time. But I am honored to be their mother, and I will love them and fight for them forever. The same is true for my husband. The same is true for my extended family. I believe that I was born to be a wife and mother. That is not a burden to bear, this is my glory and honor. I believe I earned such a place, and I work to maintain it. We should not give up on our children, nor expect that they will not have obstacles to overcome. We nurture them and love them and give them a home. We try to teach them. God gives them life, freedom, agency, and opposition, and he provides a Savior for them.

Satan is a creep. I have nothing but contempt for his tactics. I am wary of him, and I do not discount his ability to mess with us. He has been practicing his schemes for a long time.

I am in a good place. I may spout off at times, but I am not in danger. I am in a secure place. I have my Father watching over me, the Holy Ghost as my companion, and the Savior as my advocate. All is well. All is well.









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My Titanic Theory

I watched a series on the Titanic last Friday, and this week we read a National Geographic Magazine article on her. I decided that the Titanic was built to carry a lot of people, that wasn't her problem. The problem was that she took on too much water and lost buoyancy. I thought about the cause of the disaster that sunk her. The cause of this tragedy had everything to do with the arrogance of people involved. Because the people in command were so convinced that the ship was unsinkable, they failed to take normal safety precautions, such as slowing down and keeping a sharp look out for icebergs after receiving a warning that icebergs had been spotted in the area where they were sailing, and such as failing to have adequate numbers of lifeboats on board, Because of the arrogance of those in command, there was too little warning and too little recourse when they were faced with an obstacle in their pathway. Although they tried to avoid a collision and received a glancing blow; the ship was scored along her side to such a degree that her hull was breached in multiple places. So although she avoided a violent collision, she could not avoid a rapid intake of water. Water came into the ship to such a degree as to weigh her down and swamp her. The water replaced lighter air, and buoyancy could not be maintained. I started thinking about this event as a analogy to life. Some of us are big beautiful ships carrying a lot of people on board, but we need to remember to proceed through life with caution, to heed safety precautions, and to carry life boats. I surmised that the key to avoiding the fate of the Titanic and becoming a sinking ship without enough life boats, is to remain humble, and to remain buoyant. You can do this by obeying council that gives you warning of obstacles in your path, You can slow down enough to watch out for and avoid dangers, and if you start to feel swamped, or feel like you are loosing buoyancy; you can do something to refill yourself with light and air. Don't allow the heavy water of the worldly weights of sin or discouragement to swamp you. Stay full of air, which is light and truth--spirit and hope. Stay light, and you can and will safely carry a large number of people back and forth across the hazardous water multiple times, in perfect safely--just don't go too fast or too carelessly, and watch out for iceburgs. Don't let Satan and his influences breach your hull so that you become swamped and you and everyone else on board your ship goes down in a spectacular but horrifying spiritual disaster.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSGeskFzE0