The Gentle Art of Being Stubborn

Have you ever taken one of those online personality quizzes and laughed out loud because it was so spot on right about you.  It is especially satisfying when the result has captured elements of your personality that may not be widely known by your friends or acquaintances, or even by some of your family members.

This happened to me the other day with a simple Facebook quiz.  Part of the personality description was as follows:

". . . Clean, simple, elegant and highly spiritual, white personalities are people with pure intentions and angelic characters.  You probably come across as sweet and honest.  On the downside. . .(you) can be quite stubborn if you can't get what you want--which isn't often."

So, now I have revealed to you all a piece of the real me, and if you didn't know it before, you are now considering the idea that as a side dish to this "sweet and honest" presentation. you may indeed be facing a healthy serving of stubborn on the side.

The well known Meyers Briggs personality test types me out as an INFJ. Again, note the quality of stubbornness being described in its portrayal of this personality type--"Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. . .They don't believe in compromising their ideals."

My husband, Kirby, and I both type out as INFJ on this test.  We are a stubborn sandwich.  Therefore,  through the 32 years of our happily ever after, I have, out of necessity, learned to be stubborn with style.  This is a skill I have honed through long years of trial and error, and now, out of the sweet and honest goodness of my angelic heart, I am going to attempt to give you some insights into my hard won pearls of wisdom on the subject of getting out of life what you really want. Or in other words, the gentle art of being stubborn.

I read a description a few days ago which paints a perfect picture of the type of stubbornness I aspire to--it is this:

"You must become the rock the river cannot wash away."

Now rocks are quiet things when they sit at the bottom of a stream of water.  Their rough edges get smoothed off a bit by the water rushing around them, but even so, they sit, all mossy and silent, unmoved from their positions.

The gentle art of being stubborn works something like the rock in the stream.  When someone comes at you with an opinion or position that you don't agree with, the first thing you should do is to hear them out.  If you can listen without rolling your eyes, or showing your disagreement by visual cues, you are well on the way to achieving your goal.  After you have heard them out, make sure you find a couple of items among the things that they said that you can give acknowledgement to as being good thoughts or revealing their noble intentions.  This will let them know that you really heard them, and that you can appreciate their points.  Next, you can mention that you have a couple of areas where your view differs from theirs. At this point, because you have listened to their side of the argument, they should be willing to listen to you.

Make your opposing points kindly and with no attempt to alter their position, but merely state your side of the issue clearly and succinctly.  You do not have to adjust your position at all.  You don't have to agree with their position, and you can maintain your place without giving offense, or giving way.  This technique is especially helpful when dealing with issues that you have a strongly held position on.  If you don't feel strongly about something, you can and should be flexible enough to find a way to make adjustments, so that both sides of the situation will remain happy with the conclusion.  When you have an issue that you feel you cannot compromise on--you can use this method to be a rock in the stream.  Being stubborn about things that you truly believe in will pay off in your favor over time.

By being kind and viewing things from another person's side, they generally will come to respect your position, even if they don't fully agree with it, and you can learn to coexist peacefully.  Sometimes you may end up being two rocks that sit comfortably side by side in the stream, not completely touching, or agreeing on all things, but settling companionably close--like me and my partner in rock kind, Kirby, have done.  :)